Hello, New Year!

It may be cliche, but on New Years Eve I am sitting here reminiscing. Most people I know seem to be ready to give 2012 the ol heave ho, apparently it wasn't a good year for them. For a few years I felt the same way. But this year I'm reflecting and thinking....you know, it really wasn't a bad year. Not particularly spectacular, but not horrible. It had its ups and downs. But I'm going to focus on the ups for a second.

-On January 23rd I allowed the kids to outnumber the adults in our home. I had a completely perfect homebirth and joyfully welcomed Vlad into our family.

-Husband and I decided to take a leap of faith and have Husband focus full time on ministry.

-Rascal potty trained. Mostly.

-Diva Girl has started learning how to read. Yay literacy!

-Overall, the kids have made some amazing progress and have made us so proud.

-I went back to doing something that I love and discovering life beyond Autism Land.

Some pretty good highlights this year!
After looking back, I then look forward to the blank slate that is 2013. I usually don't really stretch myself on the resolutions. Typically, I resolve to do something that is pretty much inevitable. Last years resolution was "Give birth!" But this year I am going to push myself a bit. And I'm putting it on here so I can be held accountable!

-I will spend less time with my face in a screen. Between this computer, the tv, and my very addictive phone, I fear my children rarely see my face. Need to change that.

-I will become a Director with BeautiControl and earn a trip to New York City along the way! I'm particularly excited about this one. I also want to help one other wonderful woman earn a trip too! So let me know if you want to help me or go with me, this resolution isn't something I want to do on my own.

-I will cook more. Even if I don't like it.

-I will keep my friendships going strong. I've been reconnecting with people and I don't want to get so wrapped up in my own little life that I forget again how to be a good friend. Friendship is one of the most beautiful gifts that God gives us in life, I don't intend to waste that gift.

-I will date my husband. At least once a month, preferably twice. Gotta keep things interesting!

Ok, I think that's enough to keep me busy this year. Would love to hear your 2012 highlights and 2013 aspirations!

I Believe

It's Christmas Eve. The Christmas lights are twinkling and the presents are under the tree and I have that feeling of contentment in my heart. As I think about Christmas, I find myself thinking about my faith.

I don't often blog about my beliefs, I guess I leave that to my hubs (who writes, quite brilliantly, here) It's probably known to all who know me that I am a Christian. In fact, I'm wife to a Pastor, which still makes me laugh from time to time. I doubt anyone who went to youth group with me back in the day saw that coming. I certainly didn't! Because being a Christian encompasses so much of who I am, I rarely feel the need to write specifically about it I guess. But tonight I'm thinking about Christmas and about the blessings that have been poured out onto my family. And I'm thinking about the families who lost their children so recently, who quite possibly had presents all wrapped and ready for them. And I'm thinking about the conversations that have taken place around me since then. But mostly I'm thinking about believing.

Tomorrow we will wake up and rip open presents in celebration of the fact that a baby came long ago to save the world. When I think about it, it sounds completely absurd, and not just because I know that Jesus wasn't born on December 25th. There are many times that I've sat in church and I suddenly step outside of the fact that I've been raised in this faith tradition and I think to myself- Wow, this sounds completely nuts. If I were someone who just stepped into a church for the first time and heard the Apostles Creed, I would think we were all mad.
 "I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
    the Creator of heaven and earth,
    and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
    born of the Virgin Mary,
    suffered under Pontius Pilate,
    was crucified, died, and was buried..."

Yep. Completely bonkers. Then add in all of the bad in the world, all of the evil. How does anyone believe in a God, if this is His grand creation?

Yes, I've thought all of these things. In the midst of the darkest days, when all I could see of my life was the grief of "losing" my children to autism and dealing with multiple miscarriages...I can't say that I never doubted. Sometimes it seems like there are two kinds of Christians- the ones who, in the face of tragedy, grow closer to God and lean on Him for strength, and the ones who question Him and grow angry. I am, apparently, the latter (side note: I've moved past this for the most part, or at least the angry part.) I used to think this made me a horrible Christian, and perhaps not a Christian at all. I've come to believe that it is more of a reflection of my personality. If you know me at all, you know that I question everything, that I am a researching maniac and second guesser. I have a hard time choosing a dinner entree or a parenting methodology. Choosing to get up every day and believe that there is a God who loves me and who gave his son so that I could be saved? Tricky.

But I do believe. I believe that He came, as a baby, as a miracle. I believe that He loves me. I believe that He loves you. I am not nearly eloquent enough to explain all of the reasons why I believe...and tonight I have no desire to. There will always be reasons to doubt. That is why it is called Faith. 

And as I sit here in the glow of the Christmas tree lights, I'm so very glad I believe. I'm so very glad I can rest in the assurance that Christ has come, so that all might have the joy and hope that He brings us, that He brings to me in the midst of the chaos of my life. I believe, I believe, I believe!

Blessed

My mind has been mulling over a lot today, so we'll see exactly what I end up sharing here. I may just go all stream of consciousness and see what comes out. Well....as much as I can, considering I still have children awake.

Mainly, I've been thinking about all of this amazing stuff that has been happening for us. I'm not bragging, I'm honestly still just shocked that so much has been going our way lately. First, you should already know that everything has turned out amazingly well for Diva Girl's school. Since then it seems like one thing after another has fallen into place. A local company has given our kids a Christmas full of gifts that are perfect for them and a friend provided them with gifts for every day of Advent. While Christmas is about much more than presents, we weren't sure if we would be able to do anything for the kids at all this year....and now they have so many presents that we will probably hold some stuff back to give them for their birthdays the next month so they won't be overwhelmed. I'm still in awe.

We have chosen which school we will send Diva Girl to next year and are actually comfortable with it, which is a pretty big deal considering I swore I would never put her in public school. Now we just have to move to the west side of town, which is great because our church is out there too. Which means that we might just get to move to a place that gives our kid a much needed yard to play in! Goodness knows they need some running space.

It just...feels like everything is good right now. I don't experience that very much. Yesterday my therapist actually said, in surprise, "Oh, well, everything seems to be great! What's that feel like?" It made me laugh, and reflect. I realize that for quite a while I've been a "glass half empty" kind of girl. Life has thrown some hard things our way. And while I try to combat that with a lot of humor and laughter, I still tend to have a pretty negative mindset.

If you don't already know, I'm a spa girl. That means that I do pampering sessions for women in their homes, offices, schools, wherever, and I get to use and sell the most amazing products! It is honestly something that I absolutely enjoy and is the one thing that I do that is completely outside of my role of "mommy". I get to escape the house,  And I've met some truly fabulous ladies through it. And these ladies are always sharing their stories of success, and I see them growing right before my very eyes, month after month. But then I always walk away and think to myself...yeah, but that's them. And I'm ME. Good things don't happen to me. Boo hoo.

Gosh, I annoy myself.

The whole reason I started thinking about my blessings today is because of my spa sisters. I really think that God has used them to show me how blessed I am today and how much more he wants to bless me tomorrow, and the day after that, and on and on and on. For the first time in a long time I'm thinking...why not me? Why can't I be successful at something that I love to do? Why can't I bless other women through my business? Why can't I provide for my kids this way?

Today, I just imagine God smiling down on me and saying "Oh honey, I know you've had it hard. But the blessings have come...and just wait and see what I still have in store for you. Keep working hard. Keep looking to me."

Box o Blessings!

Keep on Keepin on

For those of you who haven't already heard the news:
WE DID IT!!!!!!!!

What is "IT"? In a nutshell- We fought the system and won. Diva Girl's therapy is going to be paid for by the public education system. We will even be reimbursed for some of the months that they should have been providing her with services and didn't. Quite honestly, I'm still shocked. This sort of thing just doesn't happen, at least not to anyone who doesn't have loads of money to hire lawyers. Well, that's what I always thought until now.

I've had a few people want to talk over it all with me, they want to know what magic we've worked. The same thing happened after we got ABA therapy through TEIS. They ask for advice and I feel a bit sheepish giving it because the truth is that in many ways we have just plain been blessed. Sure, I can give some basic advice about how we did things, the kind of language we used, etc., but really...I don't feel like some brave warrior who went to battle and won. I feel like a tired old woman who had her prayers answered.

I almost gave up. I almost wanted to walk away and let them get away with completely failing at providing my daughter with what she has a legal right to. Because they seemed so big and strong and completely uncaring. Because it takes money to fight, most of the time, and we are sorely lacking in that department. The stress of it all was wearing on me in ways that are hard to describe. I cried with relief when I realized that we were getting everything she needed.

And even now, in the midst of that relief...in the back of my mind I know that this is a fight that never ends. In January Rascal will be evaluated and we will being the process of dealing with Metro with him. In August Diva Girl will redo Kindergarten in a local school. And there will be more IEP meetings and more fights. That is my job, to speak up for my kids and ensure that they get the services they need and the education that they deserve. Just thinking of it makes me so fully exhausted that I just want to crawl back into bed and hibernate.

So I will push all that out of my mind and try to revel in the moment. My kids are getting what they need, for now, and making spectacular progress! We will keep fighting, as many times as we need to. And I can't help but hope that maybe I can somehow make this battle a little easier on other families in the future. Raising children with special needs is hard enough, we really don't need the added stress of trying to make schools do what they are legally obligated to do. Our kids deserve better than that.

These kids deserve so much more.

"How can I help?"

It's the question that I keep getting asked lately. From people who know me well and from people who barely know me but know about our family. Apparently, I'm starting to look as frazzled as I feel most days!

People tend to apologize to me because they can't help in the way that they think I need help. Yes, we absolutely want people to donate to BCA. Yes, we love babysitters. No, we don't expect everyone to do those things. We don't even WANT everyone to do those things. We don't want friends and family who are themselves struggling to get by, feel like they have to donate triple digits in the name of being helpful. We don't want people who are not "regulars" in our kids lives to babysit (and inevitably struggle the entire night while the kids take advantage of "the newbie"!), as appreciative as we are of those who can and do.

So here is a list of ways that anyone can help us. Some of them take time, some of them take money, and some of them are goofy. But hey...you asked. Ok, maybe you didn't, but still.

- We all know that I'm about 50% caffeine. Coffee makes my world go round. Want to make my day? Get me a white chocolate mocha. It may seem silly, but the combination of coffee and kindness always lightens my load and puts a pep in my step. I've had friends who got gift cards for Starbucks and gave them to me because they don't like coffee, and I swear there is a special place in heaven for those people.

-Coupons. I use them and they help our family more than you'd guess. Just save the inserts from your Sunday paper for me and I will clip em and use em. Your trash (or recyclables) is my treasure!

- Come on over. Bring the kids, they can run around together. Keep an eye out while I do the laundry and write a few emails. Give me someone to talk to while I sweep and take Rascal to the bathroom every 30 minutes of my life. And while you're at it...

- Bring dinner. No, I didn't just have a baby or surgery or any of the other acceptable reasons that people bring you dinner. But cooking is incredibly difficult lately (Rascal hasn't napped and is screaming, Diva Girl is underfoot and requesting chicken nuggets over and over and over, and Vlad is ready for bed and wants me to hold him the entire time or he screams at me. Also, none of my children understand the danger of a hot stove.) so getting to skip that experience is a huge blessing.

- Listen. I really don't think that requires an explanation.

- Gas. We spend a ridiculous amount on gas. Driving to this therapy and that doctor and then to more therapy has put quite a toll on our gas budget. So for Christmas this year, we're asking for gift cards to get gas! Mostly though, just let me know if you see any good deals on gas, or gift cards for gas. Or heck, if you have a good discount on your kroger rewards, just let us pull up behind you and fill er up and we can give you cash. Anything to save on gas!!!

- Prayers. Pray for the kids. Pray for me. Pray for Husband. Pray for our family, for our marriage, for our sanity. I believe that prayer really does make a difference in our lives.

- Give me a call after you declutter. If you are taking things to Goodwill, let me have a shot at it first. We have been SO grateful for the many hand-me-downs that keep our kids well dressed. There are always little things we can use but don't make it into the budget, and I love feeling like I got to go shopping without that pesky spending money thing. Plus, I have such a good time passing those things on when we're done with them.

-Hold the baby. Seriously, my arms are killing me. Just go ahead, next time you see me...play with the baby for 5 minutes and give my arms a break.

- Love my kids. Let them climb on you a bit. Understand if they ignore you. Accept them as they are. It helps, more than you know.

Yeah, that is a pretty good list of ways you can help, if you feel the urge to do such a thing. God bless every person who does even one of these things. Having 3 kids is hard, and when 2 of those kids have special needs....well, I guess that makes it all more difficult. It's just my life, I don't know any difference. But just as much as I can't imagine my kids any differently, I also can't imagine doing this without the help of others. I'm blessed!

Reality

Many of you know that I've been under quite a bit of stress lately. Yes, there is always stress in my life (in all of our lives) but it's really getting a bit ridiculous.

What is going on this week that has me one step closer to the looney bin? It all boils down to one big issue: It's time for us to pay the kids' tuition at BCA and the money just isn't there.

Keeping the kids there has been especially difficult in the past few months. We lost a significant donor and a few other regular givers have had to pull back on their contributions. Of course, we completely understand that and appreciate every bit that comes in. But this combination has made coming up with tuition incredibly difficult...and the reality of the situation is that if things don't change soon, we will have to make the difficult decision to pull one of the kids out.

Since July I have been working on something that would get Diva Girl's tuition covered. This has been a frustrating enterprise, but I believe that there is an end in sight. And by the end of October, we will know. If this doesn't happen...she will not be able to stay. Just thinking that makes me feel sick because I know she needs it. I know that every day that she is there she is learning. I've talked to what is essentially the expert on her diagnosis and he was amazed at the progress that she has made. The thought of pulling her out...what would happen? I'm scared to know. And to be honest, I am not prepared to spend all day with her. She is like a moody little teenager. I like being able to drop her off and know that when I pick her up she will be a happy and more verbal and more loving little girl.

So I have to keep working and believing that it will work out. Because every time I think of pulling her out it's like my mind rejects the idea. I can't do it. I can't keep Rascal there and not her. I can't pull them both out when we could get the tuition paid for one. It's a reality that I can't seem to wrap my mind around.

And while I look to the future and try to make things work, I still have to deal with today's reality. That reality is that we have about 5 days until tuition is due. Over three thousand dollars. It just seems so impossible and it makes me feel physically ill and overwhelmed. I think and think and think and I have no solution. It's on my mind all day, playing in the background, and it's the last thing I pray about as I drift off to sleep. God has come through for over two years now, so I just keep praying.

We are so close. We just need to get through this month. I keep trying to think of some funny quip to make this all light and fluffy. Some way to inject some humor into the whole situation because humor is the way that I stay sane. But I just can't find it.

I love my kids so much. I wish I had this money for them, for their future. Some days I just hate reality.

Ok, You Got Me!

After my previous post, where I discussed how I'm NOT "doing it all", a few friends insisted that I am still doing a heck of a lot. And they still want to know how. So, here is my guide to at least looking like you are doing it all!

-Coffee. Lots of it. The sugary kind. I admit that I am one of those fancy drink kind of girls. Give me a White Chocolate Mocha or a Pumpkin Pie Latte! Not only does the sugar help the coffee taste yummy, but it gives me that extra buzz that I need to get through the morning. Falling asleep on the long drive to the doctor's office for the third time in a week? I just keep slapping myself in the face until I reach the starbuck's drive thru, then I'm all good! (My birthday is October 25th...in case you want to buy me a gift cards)

-Smartphone. This thing is my brain. It is my sanity. It has my calendar, to help me set up the various doctor and therapy appointments. It has the gps, to help me find the various offices where I take the children to doctors and therapists. It has facebook and kindle, to keep me sane in the waiting rooms at the aforementioned offices. Really, don't know that I could manage without it.

-Disney Movies. Glorious little child pleasers!!! I would get nothing done, NOTHING, without some good old tv time for the kids. Go ahead, gasp and clutch your pearls. But there is nothing like putting in that movie, hearing that glorious music, and knowing that I might just have them happy for long enough to take a shower in peace. Which leads right into....

-Showers. Daily. I don't care how crazy things get, I am getting my shower. Sometimes I take one with the knowledge that a little person is going to completely wreck a room while I'm gone. Worth it. Showering makes me feel human. It wakes me up in the morning but relaxes me at the same time. I hear so many women complain that they don't have time to shower....if it is a priority to you, make time. Just do it. the baby can cry for 5 minutes, he will not be forever damaged. The children can be in a safe room by themselves. And, for you married ladies, the husband can hold down the fort for long enough for you to shower and even put some makeup on if you want to. Showering is just non-optional to me.

-Husband. I'm so very blessed in this department. Mine is pretty top-of-the-line. He is hands on with the kids and supportive of me. He makes me laugh when I'm about to go off the deep end and he reminds me to put one foot in front of the other on days when I just feel like breaking down. I really, really recommend having a good one if you can find one.

-Respite. I don't get nearly enough of this, I feel. But still, I know I get more than some. Whether it be a babysitter so I can get a date with that hot husband of mine or a neighbor taking the older two so I can have 2 hours of semi sanity, having a break is so very important to me. As time goes on and I realize more and more how much I need help, I am seeking out more respite care. The weekends when my parents take Diva Girl and Rascal are awesome for all of us!! The kids are always thrilled to be with someone other than boring old mom and I am thrilled to have time to either be productive or rest.

-God. There is only so much that a human can take without breaking. I break, far more often than I like to admit, and He is always there to put me back together. I just couldn't do it all without my God and my church family. Period.

-Smile. Nothing convinces other people that you are still sane and doing well like a smile. A sense of humor and a positive attitude goes a long way. I've got the humor but I'm working on the attitude.

So, in summary....the next time the dishes are piled high, the calendar is overbooked, and the children are climbing the wall, all you have to do is take a shower, send the kids to the neighbors, grab some coffee, say a prayer, and smile. Then everyone will at least think you have it under control!

All

People always ask me how I "do it all". The answer is simple.

I don't. Not even close. I maybe do half, on a good day.

I have no idea what gives people the impression that I am managing life very well. When they ask me how I am, my pat reply tends to be "Tired!" I don't exactly attempt to maintain any illusions that I have it all together. And yet- I swear I am applauded almost daily by women who can't believe I'm "doing it all"

What is this ALL that they speak of? A clean house? Well, one step into my home and you can clearly see that I don't have one of those. I'm a pretty poor home keeper. Dinners on the table? Please...I'm ashamed of the amount of McDonald's wrappers that can be found in my minivan at any given moment. Keeping up with our crazy schedule? You don't want to know how often we drop the ball and miss a therapy session or a meeting because I forgot to write it down.

Let's get real- What people are really saying is that they can't imagine life with 3 kids, 2 of them with an extra side of special. Well, I'm living it and I am still perplexed on how it happens. It's all I can manage to keep things going. We get up, I get the short people dressed and fed and semi-clean, and we go out into the world. Anything beyond the basics is utterly overwhelming to me at the moment.

I'm supposed to be homeschooling Diva Girl this year. Kindergarten, you know, the really hard stuff. I say "supposed to" because most days it hasn't really happened. I honestly don't know how people manage this. And this is coming from a woman who has wanted to homeschool since before I had children! I can't seem to even do the planning part, never mind the implementation. I mean, I'm supposed to cram several hours of school in among the shuttle service I provide for therapy? And the schedule of nursing, playing, and rocking a baby to sleep? And the cleaning and church and "social activities"? And the thought rises up, like panic, over and over again....I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

I'm afraid to admit that I really can't "do it all" because I so desperately want to. Really, I need to. We are severely lacking in choices. I have to get up tomorrow and "do it all" because there is no other option. The Kids must be fed and watered and therapied. The girl has to learn. The boys have to be nurtured. The Mom must be super woman. But how?



I wish I knew.

Feel the Power!

Have you ever thought about how amazing it is to just be able to communicate with those around you?

There are the subtle forms of communication, often shared best between those in love. The arched eyebrow that says "I can't believe you said that". The squeeze of the hand that says "I love you" or "I'm here" or "I'm ready to go, can you please stop talking to this guy and start heading to the car?" And of course there is the meaningful glance that says "I'll meet you in the bedroom..."

There are the more obvious forms of non-verbal communication. A high five says "yes!" and a laugh says "I think you're hilarious!" The head shake says "no" and the kiss says "I love you."

Then there is the gift of spoken words. The ability to tell someone what you need, what you want, what you're thinking. Unless you're one of those girls who says "I'm fine" when you're really not and then clamp up and refuse to say what you're thinking even though the poor guy has no idea what on earth he's done to mortally offend.

I digress.

We tend to take these things for granted. Sometimes I look at my kids and wonder what it feels like to struggle to communicate on every level. What does it feel like to want a drink and not being able to say that you want juice instead of milk? How scary is it to be in pain and not be able to tell anyone what hurts? How frustrating is it to be handed the wrong thing over and over again? 

No wonder my kids are so emotional.

But when they break through the barriers and can clearly tell me something, whether it be by words or pictures or signs, it is just the most amazing thing to behold. You can see this sense of POWER radiating through them. Communication is such a powerful and beautiful thing. Spend any time with a child with autism and you will learn this.

Today Diva Girl bounced into our bedroom and onto our bed, where Husband was under the covers. He asked her what she wanted and apparently the answer was something like "Popcorn!" After that? She asked for a popsicle and Lion King. She got all three. Now that is a little girl who is discovering the power of communication! Then later in the day Rascal handed me his empty sippy cup. I know what that means...he wants something to drink. Usually, I just choose a drink for him. But today, I held out his new laminated pictures...pictures that gave him a choice. He slapped the picture for milk, looked at my face with a huge grin on his own, and started jumping up and down while doing his happy flappy dance. Now that is a little boy who is discovering the power of communication!

It's amazing. The only other time I feel so close to and amazed by my kids is when they are peacefully asleep. But that's a whole other story....

Beautiful!

Postpartum What?

We've all heard of postpartum depression, right? Whether it's because you have struggled with it yourself or because you heard about the Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields mess, you've at least been exposed to the fact that it exists. If you aren't well informed, it's pretty easy to infer what it is...depression after the birth of a child, to put it very simply. Being a mother of three and a person who has, at times, struggled with feelings of depression or anxiety, I have always considered myself pretty well aware of postpartum depression.

Hormones after having a baby are pretty crazy, let's be honest. I remember after Diva Girl was born I definitely had the "baby blues". On the third day after her birth we were being discharged from the hospital. And I remember crying and thinking "Oh no! They are going to let me take this child home? I have no idea what I am doing! I don't want to go home, I don't think I can do this. This baby cries like a pterodactyl for goodness sakes!"

Who wouldn't be terrified of this, right?!

We took her home and after a couple of days my hormones seemed to calm down to their normal freak out levels. Though initial bonding was difficult (some of which I attribute to my emergency c-section), I quickly fell head over heels in love with this little girl and began to feel confident as a mother. All was well with the world.

Then, 3 years later, along came Rascal. We had just gotten Diva Girl's diagnosis less than 4 months prior, and I was definitely already emotionally fragile. I had even been referred to a psychologist during my pregnancy to help me deal with everything (unfortunately, she was kind of awful and I may have lied to her a lot and then stopped showing up to appointments. She probably should have called me after that.) I remember bringing him home from the hospital and again feeling completely overwhelmed. My freak out this time sounded a bit more like "What were we thinking?! We've ruined Diva Girl's life. Which means we've ruined all our lives. And why does the baby keep looking at me like that? I think he hates me. I'm a horrible mother!" Imagine this inner dialog over the sounds of Diva Girl screaming like a banshee, and that pretty much sums it up.

If you look closely, you can see the panic in my eyes!

But again, within the week it seemed like he had been around forever and my fears subsided. Months later, I did fear that I was going through postpartum depression, but it turned out that I had a vitamin D deficiency and hypothyroidism, both of which can cause depression. Once I took care of those things, I was back to my usual levels of worry and anxiety.

And now we come to baby number three, my sweet Vlad. He was born in the comfort of our home, so I have no fun story of the day we brought him home from the hospital. I remember feeling calmer this time around, more comfortable, more like he just slid into the pre-existing chaos that is our lives. And goodness are our lives chaotic. During my pregnancy with Vlad, Rascal was diagnosed with autism, and we became special needs parents two times over. So I was surprised this time to find myself thinking "We're going to be ok! Sure they outnumber us now, but we can do this. Plus, he's the easiest baby we've ever had." Still, I knew that due to circumstance and a pre-disposition towards depression, that I should "keep an eye" on my emotional well being. 

He TRIED to keep an eye on me. 

I never expected THIS. I didn't really know about the full range of postpartum mood disorders. So I kept thinking to myself "Well, I'm not depressed. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm not depressed!" 

Sure, I'm not depressed. But I'm always worried. I've had panic attacks where my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest. My stomach is in knots. I feel so anxious sometimes that it is actually a physical pain. There are days when I can't seem to get anything done because I am frozen with anxiety. I thought that I knew what it was like to be anxious, and I'd even had panic attacks before, but nothing like this. This was constant, it was eating away at me, it was overwhelming.

I don't know why I am writing about this tonight, I only know that I felt very strongly like I should. Maybe it's because someone else needed to see it. Maybe it's because I needed other people to know. Maybe it's because it's been a bad anxiety day (thank God, they are getting fewer and farther between) and I just wanted to write it all out in the hopes that some of the anxiety will find its way out through my fingertips as I type. I don't know.

I do know that I am grateful. For the friends and family who have been there for me. For my therapist, who is amazing. For my husband, who is a saint. For the simple fact that knowing what is "wrong" can do wonders for my ability to cope.

If you read this and recognize yourself in it, know that you aren't alone. You can get help here to start with. And I am always here with a listening ear. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about? I pray you never will!

Why yes, I HAVE been avoiding writing in here.

Mommy, I'm shocked!

Dear friends, the last time I wrote I was on a mission. I had goals and lists and determination!

I kind of failed.
Not completely, but enough. I was doing pretty well turning off the electronics and tuning into my kids, but then Life happened. Our schedule completely changed and nowadays our family isn't even home together until it's time to cook dinner. By the time that's over we are all just about collapsing. Except for Diva Girl...she stands on the back of the couch, holds on to the railing for the stairs, and whips her hair back and forth laughing like a maniacal go-go dancer.

So my pledge to unplug for an hour every day to do a fun activity with the kids hasn't exactly panned out. However, I have tried to keep the spirit of my challenge going. I've been trying to step away from my screen and play. Or read. Or fill up the kiddie pool.

Best $10 purchase. Ever.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog lately. Gotten some encouragement to write more. Did you know that when I was a kid I wanted to be a writer? I long since figured out that God wanted me to wander down a different path, but I do think there is a lot of worth in continuing writing down my experiences and various musings. The more I learn about my kids the more I want others to know them, understand them. Maybe then the world will be ready for them and accept them. Love them.

But then again...who wouldn't love these kids?

Diva Girl 5yrs

Rascal 2yrs

Vlad 5mo

Success!

I promised I would keep you posted, so here is my first update for my new project (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, read the post before this, Childhood Reclaimed).

First day was such a success, it felt like a conformation of what I am trying to do. I took out 3 books, ranging from easy peasy board book to a book that has about 4-5 sentences per page. I guess I was feeling optimistic. To start, I just sat and read the board book to a captive audience of one (Vlad of course...he couldn't run away even if he wanted to). This seemed to peak Rascal's interest so he wandered over and climbed into my lap. So I pulled out the slightly harder second book. We start reading and I sense Diva Girl is looking over, so I turn the book so she can see it as well. Then...miracle of miracles...she skips over and snuggles up next to me. And it happened. I read a book to all three of my children for the very first time. Yes, I cried.

The Book! Yay!

That afternoon we read all three books together. Diva Girl got pretty hyper excited and kept pinching my arms, so I have some bruises, but I will take excited pinching for reading! In the back of my mind I wondered how long this has been a possibility, how long my kids have just been waiting for me to do this with them. But I decided to not go down the guilt path. I did try to do this last month but this time around I had a completely different approach and it happened to work. The thing that truly amazes me is that the kids have just started pulling out books and flipping through them more, and Rascal has hit me with a book, which I think is his was of asking me to read to him. Or at least that is how I'm going to take it.

The Cat in the Hat

Your Kind of Mommy

Day two was almost as much of a success as day one! We finger painted and it was a crazy half hour of prep, painting, and clean up. The kids seemed to be in disbelief that we were doing this on the kitchen table! They have an easel that we paint on, which is great, but I wanted to embrace the spirit of the challenge and go outside of my comfort zone. In the end we ended up with two happy kids, six painted hands, and one big masterpiece.

We used a LOT of wipes!

I loved seeing their different styles of art. Diva Girl is my cautious one, she doesn't like to mix her colors. But she loves to get paint on her hand and do her handprint over and over again.

Rascal wants to use every color there is and mix them together and gets paint EVERYWHERE!









So, there we go...2 days into the challenge and I am feeling so very glad I've done it. If you want to, please join in! I'd love to have some friends join me in the journey and keep me posted on how they are doing. Just 1 hour a day, 1 activity during that hour....no tv, no cell phone, no computer. Just kids being kids with their Mama.

Childhood reclaimed

I don't know if you've seen the blog post "How To Miss A Childhood", but it has been floating around through my circle of friends and acquaintances for a few days now. If you haven't read it yet, go and read through it here. It's ok, I'll wait a few minutes.

Yes, when I first read it I felt the guilt start to rise. I know that I am one of "those" moms. The one who can't have her phone away from her. Who checks facebook obsessively...and while I'm on I may as well check email and my favorite message board. Whether I'm in the car or on my couch or at a friend's house, I still feel the need to check everything. Now, in the back of my mind I completely understand that this is unhealthy and that the interwebs will not shut down if I fail to check facebook for half an hour. It is a compulsion, an obsession, a time waster, and a life stealer. I've known these things, that part wasn't really a new revelation to me.

But that other part? About "How To Grasp A Childhood"? Now, that part made me think. The first bit did its part in making me feel guilty, but this part didn't do a thing to motivate me to get out from behind the computer. So I took a day to chew on it. I read it again. I read all the comments.

Then it hit me.

Part of the reason I hide behind my cell phone and I feel like the tv must be on all the time is because I don't know what to do otherwise. My kids don't want me the way other kids want their moms. Oh they love me, undoubtedly. They enjoy our cuddles and tickles. But much of what they want from me is physical (tight hugs) or needs based (fetching them food and drink). They don't want me to read to them. In fact, when I try they tend to yank the book out of my hands and throw it to the floor. They don't want me to join in there play (just try touching one of  Diva Girl's toys...you may find yourself in the middle of a storm of fury!) I can't take them outside to play because we have no fenced in yard to keep them safe.

This isn't what I thought it would be like.

I know that the best thing I can do for my kids is give them tons of engaged time through the day. But honestly, I am ashamed to admit, I got tired of being rejected. Over and over again, the message I get from my kids is "Go away, I will get you if I want to." I was tired and hurt and every day I look at my kids and feel like I wish I could connect with them and play with them but I can't. So yes, it's easier for me to pull up facebook and feel like I'm "connected" to people. It's easier for me to read blogs than to try to read to my kids. Some of you may not understand this, some of you may judge me for this.I judge myself for this. I'm not trying to blame my kids for my behavior, I'm just trying to explain it.

After coming to these realizations, I know I have to do something about this. Sure, leaving my kids to play by themselves might be what they want, but I know that isn't best for them. Sure, burying my head in the internet is easier, but motherhood isn't easy. Somethings got to give, and I guess that something is me. So I'm starting today. For one hour a day, every day- no phone, no computer, no tv. That might seem like very little but I have to start somewhere, and for me that is a big leap to make. I will turn them off, so as to resist temptation. And every day I will give myself a little challenge of something to do with the kids. I'll keep you posted on how it goes (whoever "you" are...I have no idea who reads this). Pray for me, folks, because this has to be a God thing or I will fail miserably. These tasks may sound small, but some of them are particularly challenging for my troupe. Some of them may end up looking very different than the traditional ways people do them with their kids...well, I was never one to be like everyone else anyways.

Week 1:
Day 1- Read a book to the kids
Day 2- Fingerpaint
Day 3- Fun with bubbles
Day 4- Tea party
Day 5- Kitchen play
Day 6- Water play
Day 7- Take a walk

I love my kids. Now it's time to give them a childhood beyond the therapies and beyond what I had in my head that childhood SHOULD be like. They already know that their mommy loves them, but now it's time for them to know that their mommy enjoys them.

One small step...

Sometimes it can be hard to see the progress.

Today, I wiped butts. Just like I did yesterday and the day before and every day for 5 years. There was crying and frustration and lack of communication. We churched, we ate, we played, we got cranky. Not much changes, right?

That's how it feels. But it isn't true.

There were words spoken that we didn't hear even a month ago. Rascal plays in ways that surprise and delight me. Diva Girl is communicating more easily than she has in a long time. When I look back to where we were 6 months ago I am shocked at how different everything is. How could I let the daily drudgery rob me of the joy of that? It's so easy to focus on the deficits and delays and miss all those little steps forward.

Next week Diva Girl moves to the afternoon sessions at BCA and I find myself a bit in awe of that. Yes, that will throw our lives into utter chaos, but who cares?! It is like an acknowledgment of all of her hard work, of all of her progress.

All the little baby steps add up. While their pace may drive me batty at times, this isn't a sprint. It is a marathon, and my kids are hard workers who seem to be settling into a good rhythm. I just need to continue cheering them on and urging them to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The days run together but looking back I can see how far we've come. We'll just keep on going, together.

The apples don't fall far...

I've always been a square peg in a round hole world. Sometimes I look at my kids and think- is it really all that surprising that they are not typical? Goodness knows I'm not. I mean, just look at my choices in life...not too much typical going on there.

Yes, I see "spectrumy" traits in myself. A person can only live in Autism Land for so long before turning the diagnosis criteria on themselves.

Socially awkward? CHECK! 

Look, I know that I talk too much. And I tell people way too much about myself. Yes, I have to remind myself to ask my friends how they are. It's not because I don't care about them, not at all...it's just that the natural give and take of conversation and of friendship has never been my strong suit. It's easier now for me than it has ever been in my lifetime, but I am still an awkward goof. 

Stims or ritualistic behaviors? CHECK! 

Let's face it, we all have stims. We may call them quirks, but I know the truth! I know mine, some of which I hide better than others. No, I'm not telling you what they are because then I'll be paranoid that you are noticing them. But suffice it to say, they are there. And anyone who has seen me eat a rice krispie treat knows that I have some odd little snack food rituals. I'll leave it at that.

Ridiculously stubborn: CHECK!

Ok, ok, so this one isn't in the DSM. But seriously, my kids have some amazing stubborn streaks that I kind of associate with autism. Almost every kid I know on the spectrum has this certain intense determination. It may not always be aimed at the same thing, but it's there. And it's in me. While I may be offended when my husband points out how stubborn I am, the truth is that I'm proud of my stubborn streak. When my kids use this particular super power towards good (such as communication), the results are amazing! I will gladly fess up to being capable of that kind of focused achievement. 

All joking aside, I really do find myself surprised by the ways that I do understand my children. Their need for someone to understand them is so great. I wish I understood more...I wish I could see into their heads and hearts. I wish they could talk to me and tell me their dreams. But for now I'll settle for my little glimpses into myself and into them.

I'm a square peg in a round hole world. I think my kids are star shaped pegs. Just like their mama, they don't quite fit...but they sure do shine.

Yes, Pinterest inspires me...

I had this whole post typed out. The basis of it was a reaction to an article I read, written by an ignorant and hateful woman. But I decided that since she would never read it, it was a waste of time. I'm going to assume that no one who reads my blog thinks that my children ruined my life and that I secretly regret having them. If you do indeed think that, well...you're wrong. Nuff said.

So then, what AM I going to write about? (I'm sure you are just eagerly reading, practically dying with anticipation, anxious to know what pearls of wisdom I will impart on you!)

Today, I write about something that is mot revolving around autism. Shocking, I know. Today, I will write about food.

We all eat. Some of us live to eat, some of us eat to live. When I first got married, I thought I would magically become Betty Crocker. While that didn't happen, I did have fun trying new things and trying not to burn down our kitchen. I've never been a natural with cooking, I'm not the kind of person that can just throw something together. I need recipes, don't give me that "just add a dash of this and a pinch of that!" nonsense. I can't tell the difference between spices and I am still trying to figure out how to get every component of a meal ready at the same time. But in those early days I remember proudly making Nate lemon bars from scratch and trying new vegetables and enjoying myself.

But then life happened. First, a picky kid with food allergies. Then a kid with such strong food aversions that I still don't know how he's been able to gain so much weight. I remember trying to be creative for a while, but giving up once I spent all day on a dairy free, egg free, nut free masterpiece that would just be thrown on the floor without so much as a tentative lick. So I gave up. Which was fine, since I had no time to cook and clean up the mess that cooking made. So for quite some time there has been a lot of microwaving and fast food. And I hate it.

I've decided that cooking is going to happen. I am going to learn and experiment and make meals that make me happy. Even if it is just for Husband and myself and the kids refuse to eat it. It's time to take a step into living the life that I want to live.

So for now I'm taking baby steps. Feel free to share easy recipes with me. I'm especially looking for recipes using whole foods (not just easy casseroles containing a lot of cream of chicken soup) but not a long list of ingredients. Tonight, for example, I made an easy 4 ingredient chicken recipe and it was delicious! I'll keep you posted on this journey of mine. It feels good to do something for me.

I'm just not

People are always telling me that I am something I am not.

"Two kids with autism! And a newborn! Oh, wow, you are so_____!" Go ahead, fill in the blank. Words like "strong", "brave", and "daring" tend to be popular among both those that know me and those that are meeting me. But none of those feel like good descriptions for what I am.

Scared. Tired. A complete and utter mess. Those feel like more accurate words.

Here's a little secret that I want to let you in on...I am not any stronger than you are. I don't subscribe to the belief that God gives special needs children to special parents that can handle it. My patience is not endless, I don't somehow need less sleep than other mortals, and there are many times during the day that I simply look around and have no idea what to do next.

I have pity parties. When I see my friends post pictures of play dates that their kids have I get jealous. I wish they would call me to take the kids to the park, but I know that would be a stressful adventure for all involved. Once I almost de-friended someone simply because she constantly posts all of the cute and funny things her daughter says and it was just too hard to read and compare her little girl to mine. I get petty. I cry. When all three kids are screaming and I realize that none of my children can really communicate with me, my heart breaks. Like I said...I'm not that strong.

Thankfully, some things make me stronger. A friend who opens her home to me while I'm having a breakdown, gives me coffee, and lends an understanding ear makes me strong enough to go back and face the rest of the day. A husband who holds me and tells me that I'm a good mom right after I've lost my temper makes me strong enough to not yell the next time someone hits, bites, pinches, or kicks me. And yes, locking myself in the bathroom with a piece of chocolate sometimes makes me strong enough to deal with a kid that is throwing a half hour tantrum over cookies.

But even those things aren't enough. My friends and husband can't shoulder all of my burdens, and I can't eat my feelings all of the time. While I don't believe God made my children autistic because I'm some sort of super-mom, I do believe that He loves them and He loves me. And that means that He makes me better than I am. He is strong. When I have no patience left to give, I can lean on the one who has grace in abundance. I've seen what I'm like when I forget to do that and it isn't pretty. Not for me and not for my family.

So now you know my secret. I'm completely inadequate for this job. I'm just not strong enough...but I guess I don't have to be.