The Friend Thing

Alright, ready to jump into my crazy mind?

I've been thinking (and we all know how dangerous that can be)about Diva Girl's social future. I mean, right now we aren't worried about her making friends and navigating a social life, but it's going to come up before we know it. So, as I was thinking about it, I wondered if she might be doomed. Because if it's up to ME to show her the way....yikes.

I am not exactly smooth in the world of making and keeping friends. I've got a pretty bad track record in this area. Growing up I was...how would you say it...a nerd. Loserish. I had a few good(ish) friends in elementary school. Middle school was a living nightmare for me. In high school I got a better grip on things, and made some friends. But I admit that I had a little problem with lying and making things up so that people would like me or find me interesting.

I started college with a clean slate, and have tried as much as possible since then to be myself, take it or leave it. Some people loved me, most people didn't care for me much. I was okay with that. And I think, for a while, that I was a pretty decent friend. I was caring, honest (sometimes TOO honest), giving, fun.

Entering the world of autism was rough on me, and even rougher on my friendships. I think I literally forgot how to be a good friend. My life was consumed by trying to figure out what was happening with my kiddo. It was all I could think about, all I could talk about. I was a pretty awful friend, and it didn't surprise me when people stopped hanging out with me. Can't exactly blame them.

But what about now? I think I'm coming out of that phase. But I am still all kinds of messed up when I am around other people! I get so excited about being with other adults sometimes that I just don't shut up. I can't remember what normal people talk about. My passions in life are my kids, cloth diapering, natural birth, breastfeeding, and autism world. So yeah, I'm boring but I talk to much, great combination. Sometimes I come home from hanging out and think "Wow...I really made an idiot of myself tonight. Awesome."

And this past week I realized that I have some pretty amazing and generous friends. Yet I haven't given a birthday gift to anyone in....oh, I can't remember how long. They're lucky if I remember their birthday at all. Boy do I suck.

Friends, it's time that I step up my game. I apologize for my lack of awesomeness over the past year and a half. To the old friends (Amy L, Jessica L, and Dee especially!), thanks for sticking with me and doing the many many things you've done to help my sorry butt out. To the newer friends (Alyse G, Jennie I, Liz U, and many others who I've met on the autism journey!) I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have convinced you that I'm not a complete waste of time!

Can't teach my kids how to have friends if I scare all of mine away. Gonna work on that.

An Unpleasant Anniversary

A year ago today, we made it official. The Diagnosis.
Why is it that I have this date stuck in my head for all eternity? It's not like I didn't know before that day what she had. But there is still something about it.

I remember the day and the feelings that came along with it all too clearly. I was hugely pregnant with Rascal, so to say that I was emotional is an understatement. There was a big conference table, and two sweet women sitting there giving me the results. They had this air about them...as though they knew how horrible it was to hear, and wished they didn't have to say it. They let me cry and handed me tissues. And they told me, in the end, that it wasn't the label that mattered so much. What mattered was that I knew early on and could get her the help she needed. They told me that they saw a lot of potential in Diva Girl, and that they had high hopes for her.

I wonder if they know how much I needed to hear that. I wonder how much of what they said shaped the decisions we've made for Diva Girl.

I remember feeling, that day, like it was the end of the world.

It wasn't.

My daughter talks to me now. She looks me in the eyes. She says "I love you" again! She is proving those ladies right, every day. She is growing before my very eyes, into such an amazing person. I feel so blessed to be the mother of such a spectacular little girl (even on days like today, when I get so tired of telling her to stop licking the window screen that I'm half tempted to throw her out of it).

My daughter has Childhood Disintegrative Disorder. She is so much more than that, or any other label.
She is perfectly imperfect.