Reality

Many of you know that I've been under quite a bit of stress lately. Yes, there is always stress in my life (in all of our lives) but it's really getting a bit ridiculous.

What is going on this week that has me one step closer to the looney bin? It all boils down to one big issue: It's time for us to pay the kids' tuition at BCA and the money just isn't there.

Keeping the kids there has been especially difficult in the past few months. We lost a significant donor and a few other regular givers have had to pull back on their contributions. Of course, we completely understand that and appreciate every bit that comes in. But this combination has made coming up with tuition incredibly difficult...and the reality of the situation is that if things don't change soon, we will have to make the difficult decision to pull one of the kids out.

Since July I have been working on something that would get Diva Girl's tuition covered. This has been a frustrating enterprise, but I believe that there is an end in sight. And by the end of October, we will know. If this doesn't happen...she will not be able to stay. Just thinking that makes me feel sick because I know she needs it. I know that every day that she is there she is learning. I've talked to what is essentially the expert on her diagnosis and he was amazed at the progress that she has made. The thought of pulling her out...what would happen? I'm scared to know. And to be honest, I am not prepared to spend all day with her. She is like a moody little teenager. I like being able to drop her off and know that when I pick her up she will be a happy and more verbal and more loving little girl.

So I have to keep working and believing that it will work out. Because every time I think of pulling her out it's like my mind rejects the idea. I can't do it. I can't keep Rascal there and not her. I can't pull them both out when we could get the tuition paid for one. It's a reality that I can't seem to wrap my mind around.

And while I look to the future and try to make things work, I still have to deal with today's reality. That reality is that we have about 5 days until tuition is due. Over three thousand dollars. It just seems so impossible and it makes me feel physically ill and overwhelmed. I think and think and think and I have no solution. It's on my mind all day, playing in the background, and it's the last thing I pray about as I drift off to sleep. God has come through for over two years now, so I just keep praying.

We are so close. We just need to get through this month. I keep trying to think of some funny quip to make this all light and fluffy. Some way to inject some humor into the whole situation because humor is the way that I stay sane. But I just can't find it.

I love my kids so much. I wish I had this money for them, for their future. Some days I just hate reality.

Ok, You Got Me!

After my previous post, where I discussed how I'm NOT "doing it all", a few friends insisted that I am still doing a heck of a lot. And they still want to know how. So, here is my guide to at least looking like you are doing it all!

-Coffee. Lots of it. The sugary kind. I admit that I am one of those fancy drink kind of girls. Give me a White Chocolate Mocha or a Pumpkin Pie Latte! Not only does the sugar help the coffee taste yummy, but it gives me that extra buzz that I need to get through the morning. Falling asleep on the long drive to the doctor's office for the third time in a week? I just keep slapping myself in the face until I reach the starbuck's drive thru, then I'm all good! (My birthday is October 25th...in case you want to buy me a gift cards)

-Smartphone. This thing is my brain. It is my sanity. It has my calendar, to help me set up the various doctor and therapy appointments. It has the gps, to help me find the various offices where I take the children to doctors and therapists. It has facebook and kindle, to keep me sane in the waiting rooms at the aforementioned offices. Really, don't know that I could manage without it.

-Disney Movies. Glorious little child pleasers!!! I would get nothing done, NOTHING, without some good old tv time for the kids. Go ahead, gasp and clutch your pearls. But there is nothing like putting in that movie, hearing that glorious music, and knowing that I might just have them happy for long enough to take a shower in peace. Which leads right into....

-Showers. Daily. I don't care how crazy things get, I am getting my shower. Sometimes I take one with the knowledge that a little person is going to completely wreck a room while I'm gone. Worth it. Showering makes me feel human. It wakes me up in the morning but relaxes me at the same time. I hear so many women complain that they don't have time to shower....if it is a priority to you, make time. Just do it. the baby can cry for 5 minutes, he will not be forever damaged. The children can be in a safe room by themselves. And, for you married ladies, the husband can hold down the fort for long enough for you to shower and even put some makeup on if you want to. Showering is just non-optional to me.

-Husband. I'm so very blessed in this department. Mine is pretty top-of-the-line. He is hands on with the kids and supportive of me. He makes me laugh when I'm about to go off the deep end and he reminds me to put one foot in front of the other on days when I just feel like breaking down. I really, really recommend having a good one if you can find one.

-Respite. I don't get nearly enough of this, I feel. But still, I know I get more than some. Whether it be a babysitter so I can get a date with that hot husband of mine or a neighbor taking the older two so I can have 2 hours of semi sanity, having a break is so very important to me. As time goes on and I realize more and more how much I need help, I am seeking out more respite care. The weekends when my parents take Diva Girl and Rascal are awesome for all of us!! The kids are always thrilled to be with someone other than boring old mom and I am thrilled to have time to either be productive or rest.

-God. There is only so much that a human can take without breaking. I break, far more often than I like to admit, and He is always there to put me back together. I just couldn't do it all without my God and my church family. Period.

-Smile. Nothing convinces other people that you are still sane and doing well like a smile. A sense of humor and a positive attitude goes a long way. I've got the humor but I'm working on the attitude.

So, in summary....the next time the dishes are piled high, the calendar is overbooked, and the children are climbing the wall, all you have to do is take a shower, send the kids to the neighbors, grab some coffee, say a prayer, and smile. Then everyone will at least think you have it under control!

All

People always ask me how I "do it all". The answer is simple.

I don't. Not even close. I maybe do half, on a good day.

I have no idea what gives people the impression that I am managing life very well. When they ask me how I am, my pat reply tends to be "Tired!" I don't exactly attempt to maintain any illusions that I have it all together. And yet- I swear I am applauded almost daily by women who can't believe I'm "doing it all"

What is this ALL that they speak of? A clean house? Well, one step into my home and you can clearly see that I don't have one of those. I'm a pretty poor home keeper. Dinners on the table? Please...I'm ashamed of the amount of McDonald's wrappers that can be found in my minivan at any given moment. Keeping up with our crazy schedule? You don't want to know how often we drop the ball and miss a therapy session or a meeting because I forgot to write it down.

Let's get real- What people are really saying is that they can't imagine life with 3 kids, 2 of them with an extra side of special. Well, I'm living it and I am still perplexed on how it happens. It's all I can manage to keep things going. We get up, I get the short people dressed and fed and semi-clean, and we go out into the world. Anything beyond the basics is utterly overwhelming to me at the moment.

I'm supposed to be homeschooling Diva Girl this year. Kindergarten, you know, the really hard stuff. I say "supposed to" because most days it hasn't really happened. I honestly don't know how people manage this. And this is coming from a woman who has wanted to homeschool since before I had children! I can't seem to even do the planning part, never mind the implementation. I mean, I'm supposed to cram several hours of school in among the shuttle service I provide for therapy? And the schedule of nursing, playing, and rocking a baby to sleep? And the cleaning and church and "social activities"? And the thought rises up, like panic, over and over again....I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

I'm afraid to admit that I really can't "do it all" because I so desperately want to. Really, I need to. We are severely lacking in choices. I have to get up tomorrow and "do it all" because there is no other option. The Kids must be fed and watered and therapied. The girl has to learn. The boys have to be nurtured. The Mom must be super woman. But how?



I wish I knew.