Reality

Many of you know that I've been under quite a bit of stress lately. Yes, there is always stress in my life (in all of our lives) but it's really getting a bit ridiculous.

What is going on this week that has me one step closer to the looney bin? It all boils down to one big issue: It's time for us to pay the kids' tuition at BCA and the money just isn't there.

Keeping the kids there has been especially difficult in the past few months. We lost a significant donor and a few other regular givers have had to pull back on their contributions. Of course, we completely understand that and appreciate every bit that comes in. But this combination has made coming up with tuition incredibly difficult...and the reality of the situation is that if things don't change soon, we will have to make the difficult decision to pull one of the kids out.

Since July I have been working on something that would get Diva Girl's tuition covered. This has been a frustrating enterprise, but I believe that there is an end in sight. And by the end of October, we will know. If this doesn't happen...she will not be able to stay. Just thinking that makes me feel sick because I know she needs it. I know that every day that she is there she is learning. I've talked to what is essentially the expert on her diagnosis and he was amazed at the progress that she has made. The thought of pulling her out...what would happen? I'm scared to know. And to be honest, I am not prepared to spend all day with her. She is like a moody little teenager. I like being able to drop her off and know that when I pick her up she will be a happy and more verbal and more loving little girl.

So I have to keep working and believing that it will work out. Because every time I think of pulling her out it's like my mind rejects the idea. I can't do it. I can't keep Rascal there and not her. I can't pull them both out when we could get the tuition paid for one. It's a reality that I can't seem to wrap my mind around.

And while I look to the future and try to make things work, I still have to deal with today's reality. That reality is that we have about 5 days until tuition is due. Over three thousand dollars. It just seems so impossible and it makes me feel physically ill and overwhelmed. I think and think and think and I have no solution. It's on my mind all day, playing in the background, and it's the last thing I pray about as I drift off to sleep. God has come through for over two years now, so I just keep praying.

We are so close. We just need to get through this month. I keep trying to think of some funny quip to make this all light and fluffy. Some way to inject some humor into the whole situation because humor is the way that I stay sane. But I just can't find it.

I love my kids so much. I wish I had this money for them, for their future. Some days I just hate reality.