One small step...

Sometimes it can be hard to see the progress.

Today, I wiped butts. Just like I did yesterday and the day before and every day for 5 years. There was crying and frustration and lack of communication. We churched, we ate, we played, we got cranky. Not much changes, right?

That's how it feels. But it isn't true.

There were words spoken that we didn't hear even a month ago. Rascal plays in ways that surprise and delight me. Diva Girl is communicating more easily than she has in a long time. When I look back to where we were 6 months ago I am shocked at how different everything is. How could I let the daily drudgery rob me of the joy of that? It's so easy to focus on the deficits and delays and miss all those little steps forward.

Next week Diva Girl moves to the afternoon sessions at BCA and I find myself a bit in awe of that. Yes, that will throw our lives into utter chaos, but who cares?! It is like an acknowledgment of all of her hard work, of all of her progress.

All the little baby steps add up. While their pace may drive me batty at times, this isn't a sprint. It is a marathon, and my kids are hard workers who seem to be settling into a good rhythm. I just need to continue cheering them on and urging them to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The days run together but looking back I can see how far we've come. We'll just keep on going, together.

The apples don't fall far...

I've always been a square peg in a round hole world. Sometimes I look at my kids and think- is it really all that surprising that they are not typical? Goodness knows I'm not. I mean, just look at my choices in life...not too much typical going on there.

Yes, I see "spectrumy" traits in myself. A person can only live in Autism Land for so long before turning the diagnosis criteria on themselves.

Socially awkward? CHECK! 

Look, I know that I talk too much. And I tell people way too much about myself. Yes, I have to remind myself to ask my friends how they are. It's not because I don't care about them, not at all...it's just that the natural give and take of conversation and of friendship has never been my strong suit. It's easier now for me than it has ever been in my lifetime, but I am still an awkward goof. 

Stims or ritualistic behaviors? CHECK! 

Let's face it, we all have stims. We may call them quirks, but I know the truth! I know mine, some of which I hide better than others. No, I'm not telling you what they are because then I'll be paranoid that you are noticing them. But suffice it to say, they are there. And anyone who has seen me eat a rice krispie treat knows that I have some odd little snack food rituals. I'll leave it at that.

Ridiculously stubborn: CHECK!

Ok, ok, so this one isn't in the DSM. But seriously, my kids have some amazing stubborn streaks that I kind of associate with autism. Almost every kid I know on the spectrum has this certain intense determination. It may not always be aimed at the same thing, but it's there. And it's in me. While I may be offended when my husband points out how stubborn I am, the truth is that I'm proud of my stubborn streak. When my kids use this particular super power towards good (such as communication), the results are amazing! I will gladly fess up to being capable of that kind of focused achievement. 

All joking aside, I really do find myself surprised by the ways that I do understand my children. Their need for someone to understand them is so great. I wish I understood more...I wish I could see into their heads and hearts. I wish they could talk to me and tell me their dreams. But for now I'll settle for my little glimpses into myself and into them.

I'm a square peg in a round hole world. I think my kids are star shaped pegs. Just like their mama, they don't quite fit...but they sure do shine.