I don't often blog about my beliefs, I guess I leave that to my hubs (who writes, quite brilliantly, here) It's probably known to all who know me that I am a Christian. In fact, I'm wife to a Pastor, which still makes me laugh from time to time. I doubt anyone who went to youth group with me back in the day saw that coming. I certainly didn't! Because being a Christian encompasses so much of who I am, I rarely feel the need to write specifically about it I guess. But tonight I'm thinking about Christmas and about the blessings that have been poured out onto my family. And I'm thinking about the families who lost their children so recently, who quite possibly had presents all wrapped and ready for them. And I'm thinking about the conversations that have taken place around me since then. But mostly I'm thinking about believing.
Tomorrow we will wake up and rip open presents in celebration of the fact that a baby came long ago to save the world. When I think about it, it sounds completely absurd, and not just because I know that Jesus wasn't born on December 25th. There are many times that I've sat in church and I suddenly step outside of the fact that I've been raised in this faith tradition and I think to myself- Wow, this sounds completely nuts. If I were someone who just stepped into a church for the first time and heard the Apostles Creed, I would think we were all mad.
"I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried..."
Yep. Completely bonkers. Then add in all of the bad in the world, all of the evil. How does anyone believe in a God, if this is His grand creation?
Yes, I've thought all of these things. In the midst of the darkest days, when all I could see of my life was the grief of "losing" my children to autism and dealing with multiple miscarriages...I can't say that I never doubted. Sometimes it seems like there are two kinds of Christians- the ones who, in the face of tragedy, grow closer to God and lean on Him for strength, and the ones who question Him and grow angry. I am, apparently, the latter (side note: I've moved past this for the most part, or at least the angry part.) I used to think this made me a horrible Christian, and perhaps not a Christian at all. I've come to believe that it is more of a reflection of my personality. If you know me at all, you know that I question everything, that I am a researching maniac and second guesser. I have a hard time choosing a dinner entree or a parenting methodology. Choosing to get up every day and believe that there is a God who loves me and who gave his son so that I could be saved? Tricky.
But I do believe. I believe that He came, as a baby, as a miracle. I believe that He loves me. I believe that He loves you. I am not nearly eloquent enough to explain all of the reasons why I believe...and tonight I have no desire to. There will always be reasons to doubt. That is why it is called Faith.
And as I sit here in the glow of the Christmas tree lights, I'm so very glad I believe. I'm so very glad I can rest in the assurance that Christ has come, so that all might have the joy and hope that He brings us, that He brings to me in the midst of the chaos of my life. I believe, I believe, I believe!
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