I don't know if you've seen the blog post "How To Miss A Childhood", but it has been floating around through my circle of friends and acquaintances for a few days now. If you haven't read it yet, go and read through it here. It's ok, I'll wait a few minutes.
Yes, when I first read it I felt the guilt start to rise. I know that I am one of "those" moms. The one who can't have her phone away from her. Who checks facebook obsessively...and while I'm on I may as well check email and my favorite message board. Whether I'm in the car or on my couch or at a friend's house, I still feel the need to check everything. Now, in the back of my mind I completely understand that this is unhealthy and that the interwebs will not shut down if I fail to check facebook for half an hour. It is a compulsion, an obsession, a time waster, and a life stealer. I've known these things, that part wasn't really a new revelation to me.
But that other part? About "How To Grasp A Childhood"? Now, that part made me think. The first bit did its part in making me feel guilty, but this part didn't do a thing to motivate me to get out from behind the computer. So I took a day to chew on it. I read it again. I read all the comments.
Then it hit me.
Part of the reason I hide behind my cell phone and I feel like the tv must be on all the time is because I don't know what to do otherwise. My kids don't want me the way other kids want their moms. Oh they love me, undoubtedly. They enjoy our cuddles and tickles. But much of what they want from me is physical (tight hugs) or needs based (fetching them food and drink). They don't want me to read to them. In fact, when I try they tend to yank the book out of my hands and throw it to the floor. They don't want me to join in there play (just try touching one of Diva Girl's toys...you may find yourself in the middle of a storm of fury!) I can't take them outside to play because we have no fenced in yard to keep them safe.
This isn't what I thought it would be like.
I know that the best thing I can do for my kids is give them tons of engaged time through the day. But honestly, I am ashamed to admit, I got tired of being rejected. Over and over again, the message I get from my kids is "Go away, I will get you if I want to." I was tired and hurt and every day I look at my kids and feel like I wish I could connect with them and play with them but I can't. So yes, it's easier for me to pull up facebook and feel like I'm "connected" to people. It's easier for me to read blogs than to try to read to my kids. Some of you may not understand this, some of you may judge me for this.I judge myself for this. I'm not trying to blame my kids for my behavior, I'm just trying to explain it.
After coming to these realizations, I know I have to do something about this. Sure, leaving my kids to play by themselves might be what they want, but I know that isn't best for them. Sure, burying my head in the internet is easier, but motherhood isn't easy. Somethings got to give, and I guess that something is me. So I'm starting today. For one hour a day, every day- no phone, no computer, no tv. That might seem like very little but I have to start somewhere, and for me that is a big leap to make. I will turn them off, so as to resist temptation. And every day I will give myself a little challenge of something to do with the kids. I'll keep you posted on how it goes (whoever "you" are...I have no idea who reads this). Pray for me, folks, because this has to be a God thing or I will fail miserably. These tasks may sound small, but some of them are particularly challenging for my troupe. Some of them may end up looking very different than the traditional ways people do them with their kids...well, I was never one to be like everyone else anyways.
Week 1:
Day 1- Read a book to the kids
Day 2- Fingerpaint
Day 3- Fun with bubbles
Day 4- Tea party
Day 5- Kitchen play
Day 6- Water play
Day 7- Take a walk
I love my kids. Now it's time to give them a childhood beyond the therapies and beyond what I had in my head that childhood SHOULD be like. They already know that their mommy loves them, but now it's time for them to know that their mommy enjoys them.
Love this! And I will be praying for you - yes, you and your troupe have your own challenges, but I know the risk will pay off. It will be meaningful, even if not as obviously as you hope. I love that last part, "They already know that their mommy loves them, but now it's time for them to know that their mommy enjoys them."
ReplyDeleteIt will be tough, but worth it! I may join you & do the same. My rugrat is always complaining that I spend too much time on the computer. After reading your post and the blog you linked to, I realize that it's not just me. We are a generation of parents who grew up at a time when the internet was growing more popular every year, and now it just seems like a normal part of every day life. Just like a tv addiction, it's hard to break the attachment we have to our online lives. But, like I said, it will be worth it. :)
ReplyDeleteas a Developmental Therapist/ EI'ist, just want you to know that you can do it. You can get through, just keep pushing. Fight the tears, slaps, breakdowns; they love you, they really know who you are, how important you are to them, that you love them unconditionally. You know it when they give that fleeting moment of eye contact or the way they look to you when they want that tickle and their giggle is like angles singing. DO NOT GIVE UP, it will take time, several tries, but will happen. Looking forward to reading your stories further.
ReplyDeleteThank you for such an honest and touching post. I admire the way you took that difficult look inward and asked yourself the reason you were so attached to your phone. I can relate to this so much. I had some difficult truths myself, and the busier, the more wired I was, the more I could avoid my pain.
ReplyDeleteWhen I got to your list of the small actions you are taking to meaningfully connect with your children, I smiled. There is great power in those little actions, my friend. That is exactly how I started my hands free journey .. 10 minute increments pushing aside the distraction to connect with my precious ones. The minutes grew and the grip distraction had on my life loosened. My transformation didn't come overnight, but the little steps make a huge impact. Please write me anytime you need encouragement. I will also be praying for you.
Thank you for being such an inspiration.