A little less than three years ago a girl told me that she would never have a child until she was 100% financially ready...to do otherwise was irresponsible and selfish. I didn't realize how much I'd taken that to heart. There are some words that just fester inside of you and swirl around in your head and heart and cause you all sort of damage. For me, those words did just the trick.
The night I found out I was pregnant with G, I cried. It wasn't because I didn't want her- my whole heart was already completely invested in this child. It was because I knew that I didn't deserve her. We didn't have money or insurance or space, or anything that rational people "need" before having a baby (little did I know that babies really require three things- a boob, a diaper, and a blanket). All I could think of was that I didn't deserve this gift, and that everyone around me thought the same thing. I felt guilty.
The truth is, I never really got over that. Not during that pregnancy or the 21 months that have followed. Everytime I see that shadow over a loved one's face, that second that they show that ache for another baby to hold, I feel guilty. And everytime another person tells me that they're waiting to have kids until they can take care of them, I feel embarrassed.
But I know that God has given me this gift!
How can I feel guilty or embarrassed for having such a beautiful child?
I know in my heart that the people who love me are happy for me. And I know that my child has always been provided for. She has never gone hungry, she has never been without clothes to wear or diapers to poop in, and she is growing up in a happy home.
She knows that her parents love her
love each other
love God
Let's face it, she's better off than a lot of other kids out there.
So starting tonight, I'm going to let myself be happy. 100% blissful about the gifts God has given me. My child deserves it. Maybe I do too.
I love you, little one.
i needed every word of this.
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