Resolving, Evolving

It's been almost a week since a new year began, and like most other optimistic human beings out there, I made a few resolutions. Since I am doing pretty well with them and feel more sure than ever that I am on the right path, I am going to share a few with you today.

First resolution: Stop caring so much what people think of me.
I have had a serious problem with this. Maybe it comes from years of being picked on, picked last, and picked apart. Maybe it comes from the fact that I know that I am not the best in social situations (more on learning to embrace my own autisty traits in a forthcoming post). Whatever the reason, I have always yearned for people to like me, to approve of me (lets be honest- most other people do too). Of course, this habit did not go well with the fact that my face is an open book and I have a tendency to be far too blunt. So I'd say something and then agonize over having offended someone. Or post something on facebook and worry what people thought of me as a mother. What really makes no sense is that I even want people that I don't particularly like to still like me! So this year I have decided to embrace the fact that I am unique and opinionated and sometimes offensive. If you want to be friends...great! If not...oh well, I'm too busy for you anways. If you don't like my parenting style...well, just keep it to yourself.

Second resolution: Be nicer to my kids.
Yes, I needed that to be a resolution. Stop being so shocked, I know I'm not the only one! My attitude towards the end of the year just got plain ugly. I was stressed out and taking it out on everyone, including my poor kiddos. Yes, they were part of the stress, but I just made things worse. Turns out when I yell, it doesn't fix anything. And when I swat Diva Girl, she just gets more aggressive. I knew better, and I swore that I would never parent that way. So I've started turning up the praise, spending more time blowing bubbles and tickling, and what do you know...peace reigns in my household. Sometimes taking a big dose of your own advice can really do wonders.

Third resolution: Start making more decisions for Diva Girl.
This was the hardest one, and the most involved resolution of all. Last year, when Diva Girl was newly diagnosed and I had a new baby, I was completely and utterly clueless. I needed HELP, and I was overwhelmed by the big bad world of autism research. My research was all over the place, and I didn't know what I really thought about the best way to help Diva Girl. After visiting BCA, I knew we needed to put Diva Girl there, and that in and of itself was a very hard decision. But once she was there? I sort of thought "YES!! These people have saved me from my world of clulessness. If I just listen to them and do what they say, everything will be ok." And while BCA has worked miracles...they are not raising my child. I am. Sometimes I need to ask questions and make decisions to move her therapy in a certain directions and not be so afraid. So my next post will be about my first big decision in regard to her therapy. It wasn't easy, but I feel good about it. Consider me ready to jump back into the world of research...on my own terms, of course.

Fourth Resolution: Get back to the things I love.
Dates with my husband. La Leche League meetings. Cloth diapering, greener living, healthier eating. All things that I am passionate about but pushed to the side because I was so stressed with school. Yes, this semester will be even more hectic. But I don't want to spend the next 2.5 years stressed out and miserable. I need to make the time to focus on things I enjoy or I will not only fail in this resolution, but I will fail in all the others as well. Some days I just need to get my head out of the books, my mind out of Autism land, and focus on something like converting my old flat diapers into unpaper towels (and if you understand what I'm talking about, let me know so we can talk about that stuff together!)

So that's it. Or at least, that's all the resolutions I'm telling you. The other ones are far more embarrassing.