"How can I help?"

It's the question that I keep getting asked lately. From people who know me well and from people who barely know me but know about our family. Apparently, I'm starting to look as frazzled as I feel most days!

People tend to apologize to me because they can't help in the way that they think I need help. Yes, we absolutely want people to donate to BCA. Yes, we love babysitters. No, we don't expect everyone to do those things. We don't even WANT everyone to do those things. We don't want friends and family who are themselves struggling to get by, feel like they have to donate triple digits in the name of being helpful. We don't want people who are not "regulars" in our kids lives to babysit (and inevitably struggle the entire night while the kids take advantage of "the newbie"!), as appreciative as we are of those who can and do.

So here is a list of ways that anyone can help us. Some of them take time, some of them take money, and some of them are goofy. But hey...you asked. Ok, maybe you didn't, but still.

- We all know that I'm about 50% caffeine. Coffee makes my world go round. Want to make my day? Get me a white chocolate mocha. It may seem silly, but the combination of coffee and kindness always lightens my load and puts a pep in my step. I've had friends who got gift cards for Starbucks and gave them to me because they don't like coffee, and I swear there is a special place in heaven for those people.

-Coupons. I use them and they help our family more than you'd guess. Just save the inserts from your Sunday paper for me and I will clip em and use em. Your trash (or recyclables) is my treasure!

- Come on over. Bring the kids, they can run around together. Keep an eye out while I do the laundry and write a few emails. Give me someone to talk to while I sweep and take Rascal to the bathroom every 30 minutes of my life. And while you're at it...

- Bring dinner. No, I didn't just have a baby or surgery or any of the other acceptable reasons that people bring you dinner. But cooking is incredibly difficult lately (Rascal hasn't napped and is screaming, Diva Girl is underfoot and requesting chicken nuggets over and over and over, and Vlad is ready for bed and wants me to hold him the entire time or he screams at me. Also, none of my children understand the danger of a hot stove.) so getting to skip that experience is a huge blessing.

- Listen. I really don't think that requires an explanation.

- Gas. We spend a ridiculous amount on gas. Driving to this therapy and that doctor and then to more therapy has put quite a toll on our gas budget. So for Christmas this year, we're asking for gift cards to get gas! Mostly though, just let me know if you see any good deals on gas, or gift cards for gas. Or heck, if you have a good discount on your kroger rewards, just let us pull up behind you and fill er up and we can give you cash. Anything to save on gas!!!

- Prayers. Pray for the kids. Pray for me. Pray for Husband. Pray for our family, for our marriage, for our sanity. I believe that prayer really does make a difference in our lives.

- Give me a call after you declutter. If you are taking things to Goodwill, let me have a shot at it first. We have been SO grateful for the many hand-me-downs that keep our kids well dressed. There are always little things we can use but don't make it into the budget, and I love feeling like I got to go shopping without that pesky spending money thing. Plus, I have such a good time passing those things on when we're done with them.

-Hold the baby. Seriously, my arms are killing me. Just go ahead, next time you see me...play with the baby for 5 minutes and give my arms a break.

- Love my kids. Let them climb on you a bit. Understand if they ignore you. Accept them as they are. It helps, more than you know.

Yeah, that is a pretty good list of ways you can help, if you feel the urge to do such a thing. God bless every person who does even one of these things. Having 3 kids is hard, and when 2 of those kids have special needs....well, I guess that makes it all more difficult. It's just my life, I don't know any difference. But just as much as I can't imagine my kids any differently, I also can't imagine doing this without the help of others. I'm blessed!

Reality

Many of you know that I've been under quite a bit of stress lately. Yes, there is always stress in my life (in all of our lives) but it's really getting a bit ridiculous.

What is going on this week that has me one step closer to the looney bin? It all boils down to one big issue: It's time for us to pay the kids' tuition at BCA and the money just isn't there.

Keeping the kids there has been especially difficult in the past few months. We lost a significant donor and a few other regular givers have had to pull back on their contributions. Of course, we completely understand that and appreciate every bit that comes in. But this combination has made coming up with tuition incredibly difficult...and the reality of the situation is that if things don't change soon, we will have to make the difficult decision to pull one of the kids out.

Since July I have been working on something that would get Diva Girl's tuition covered. This has been a frustrating enterprise, but I believe that there is an end in sight. And by the end of October, we will know. If this doesn't happen...she will not be able to stay. Just thinking that makes me feel sick because I know she needs it. I know that every day that she is there she is learning. I've talked to what is essentially the expert on her diagnosis and he was amazed at the progress that she has made. The thought of pulling her out...what would happen? I'm scared to know. And to be honest, I am not prepared to spend all day with her. She is like a moody little teenager. I like being able to drop her off and know that when I pick her up she will be a happy and more verbal and more loving little girl.

So I have to keep working and believing that it will work out. Because every time I think of pulling her out it's like my mind rejects the idea. I can't do it. I can't keep Rascal there and not her. I can't pull them both out when we could get the tuition paid for one. It's a reality that I can't seem to wrap my mind around.

And while I look to the future and try to make things work, I still have to deal with today's reality. That reality is that we have about 5 days until tuition is due. Over three thousand dollars. It just seems so impossible and it makes me feel physically ill and overwhelmed. I think and think and think and I have no solution. It's on my mind all day, playing in the background, and it's the last thing I pray about as I drift off to sleep. God has come through for over two years now, so I just keep praying.

We are so close. We just need to get through this month. I keep trying to think of some funny quip to make this all light and fluffy. Some way to inject some humor into the whole situation because humor is the way that I stay sane. But I just can't find it.

I love my kids so much. I wish I had this money for them, for their future. Some days I just hate reality.

Ok, You Got Me!

After my previous post, where I discussed how I'm NOT "doing it all", a few friends insisted that I am still doing a heck of a lot. And they still want to know how. So, here is my guide to at least looking like you are doing it all!

-Coffee. Lots of it. The sugary kind. I admit that I am one of those fancy drink kind of girls. Give me a White Chocolate Mocha or a Pumpkin Pie Latte! Not only does the sugar help the coffee taste yummy, but it gives me that extra buzz that I need to get through the morning. Falling asleep on the long drive to the doctor's office for the third time in a week? I just keep slapping myself in the face until I reach the starbuck's drive thru, then I'm all good! (My birthday is October 25th...in case you want to buy me a gift cards)

-Smartphone. This thing is my brain. It is my sanity. It has my calendar, to help me set up the various doctor and therapy appointments. It has the gps, to help me find the various offices where I take the children to doctors and therapists. It has facebook and kindle, to keep me sane in the waiting rooms at the aforementioned offices. Really, don't know that I could manage without it.

-Disney Movies. Glorious little child pleasers!!! I would get nothing done, NOTHING, without some good old tv time for the kids. Go ahead, gasp and clutch your pearls. But there is nothing like putting in that movie, hearing that glorious music, and knowing that I might just have them happy for long enough to take a shower in peace. Which leads right into....

-Showers. Daily. I don't care how crazy things get, I am getting my shower. Sometimes I take one with the knowledge that a little person is going to completely wreck a room while I'm gone. Worth it. Showering makes me feel human. It wakes me up in the morning but relaxes me at the same time. I hear so many women complain that they don't have time to shower....if it is a priority to you, make time. Just do it. the baby can cry for 5 minutes, he will not be forever damaged. The children can be in a safe room by themselves. And, for you married ladies, the husband can hold down the fort for long enough for you to shower and even put some makeup on if you want to. Showering is just non-optional to me.

-Husband. I'm so very blessed in this department. Mine is pretty top-of-the-line. He is hands on with the kids and supportive of me. He makes me laugh when I'm about to go off the deep end and he reminds me to put one foot in front of the other on days when I just feel like breaking down. I really, really recommend having a good one if you can find one.

-Respite. I don't get nearly enough of this, I feel. But still, I know I get more than some. Whether it be a babysitter so I can get a date with that hot husband of mine or a neighbor taking the older two so I can have 2 hours of semi sanity, having a break is so very important to me. As time goes on and I realize more and more how much I need help, I am seeking out more respite care. The weekends when my parents take Diva Girl and Rascal are awesome for all of us!! The kids are always thrilled to be with someone other than boring old mom and I am thrilled to have time to either be productive or rest.

-God. There is only so much that a human can take without breaking. I break, far more often than I like to admit, and He is always there to put me back together. I just couldn't do it all without my God and my church family. Period.

-Smile. Nothing convinces other people that you are still sane and doing well like a smile. A sense of humor and a positive attitude goes a long way. I've got the humor but I'm working on the attitude.

So, in summary....the next time the dishes are piled high, the calendar is overbooked, and the children are climbing the wall, all you have to do is take a shower, send the kids to the neighbors, grab some coffee, say a prayer, and smile. Then everyone will at least think you have it under control!

All

People always ask me how I "do it all". The answer is simple.

I don't. Not even close. I maybe do half, on a good day.

I have no idea what gives people the impression that I am managing life very well. When they ask me how I am, my pat reply tends to be "Tired!" I don't exactly attempt to maintain any illusions that I have it all together. And yet- I swear I am applauded almost daily by women who can't believe I'm "doing it all"

What is this ALL that they speak of? A clean house? Well, one step into my home and you can clearly see that I don't have one of those. I'm a pretty poor home keeper. Dinners on the table? Please...I'm ashamed of the amount of McDonald's wrappers that can be found in my minivan at any given moment. Keeping up with our crazy schedule? You don't want to know how often we drop the ball and miss a therapy session or a meeting because I forgot to write it down.

Let's get real- What people are really saying is that they can't imagine life with 3 kids, 2 of them with an extra side of special. Well, I'm living it and I am still perplexed on how it happens. It's all I can manage to keep things going. We get up, I get the short people dressed and fed and semi-clean, and we go out into the world. Anything beyond the basics is utterly overwhelming to me at the moment.

I'm supposed to be homeschooling Diva Girl this year. Kindergarten, you know, the really hard stuff. I say "supposed to" because most days it hasn't really happened. I honestly don't know how people manage this. And this is coming from a woman who has wanted to homeschool since before I had children! I can't seem to even do the planning part, never mind the implementation. I mean, I'm supposed to cram several hours of school in among the shuttle service I provide for therapy? And the schedule of nursing, playing, and rocking a baby to sleep? And the cleaning and church and "social activities"? And the thought rises up, like panic, over and over again....I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

I'm afraid to admit that I really can't "do it all" because I so desperately want to. Really, I need to. We are severely lacking in choices. I have to get up tomorrow and "do it all" because there is no other option. The Kids must be fed and watered and therapied. The girl has to learn. The boys have to be nurtured. The Mom must be super woman. But how?



I wish I knew.

Feel the Power!

Have you ever thought about how amazing it is to just be able to communicate with those around you?

There are the subtle forms of communication, often shared best between those in love. The arched eyebrow that says "I can't believe you said that". The squeeze of the hand that says "I love you" or "I'm here" or "I'm ready to go, can you please stop talking to this guy and start heading to the car?" And of course there is the meaningful glance that says "I'll meet you in the bedroom..."

There are the more obvious forms of non-verbal communication. A high five says "yes!" and a laugh says "I think you're hilarious!" The head shake says "no" and the kiss says "I love you."

Then there is the gift of spoken words. The ability to tell someone what you need, what you want, what you're thinking. Unless you're one of those girls who says "I'm fine" when you're really not and then clamp up and refuse to say what you're thinking even though the poor guy has no idea what on earth he's done to mortally offend.

I digress.

We tend to take these things for granted. Sometimes I look at my kids and wonder what it feels like to struggle to communicate on every level. What does it feel like to want a drink and not being able to say that you want juice instead of milk? How scary is it to be in pain and not be able to tell anyone what hurts? How frustrating is it to be handed the wrong thing over and over again? 

No wonder my kids are so emotional.

But when they break through the barriers and can clearly tell me something, whether it be by words or pictures or signs, it is just the most amazing thing to behold. You can see this sense of POWER radiating through them. Communication is such a powerful and beautiful thing. Spend any time with a child with autism and you will learn this.

Today Diva Girl bounced into our bedroom and onto our bed, where Husband was under the covers. He asked her what she wanted and apparently the answer was something like "Popcorn!" After that? She asked for a popsicle and Lion King. She got all three. Now that is a little girl who is discovering the power of communication! Then later in the day Rascal handed me his empty sippy cup. I know what that means...he wants something to drink. Usually, I just choose a drink for him. But today, I held out his new laminated pictures...pictures that gave him a choice. He slapped the picture for milk, looked at my face with a huge grin on his own, and started jumping up and down while doing his happy flappy dance. Now that is a little boy who is discovering the power of communication!

It's amazing. The only other time I feel so close to and amazed by my kids is when they are peacefully asleep. But that's a whole other story....

Beautiful!

Postpartum What?

We've all heard of postpartum depression, right? Whether it's because you have struggled with it yourself or because you heard about the Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields mess, you've at least been exposed to the fact that it exists. If you aren't well informed, it's pretty easy to infer what it is...depression after the birth of a child, to put it very simply. Being a mother of three and a person who has, at times, struggled with feelings of depression or anxiety, I have always considered myself pretty well aware of postpartum depression.

Hormones after having a baby are pretty crazy, let's be honest. I remember after Diva Girl was born I definitely had the "baby blues". On the third day after her birth we were being discharged from the hospital. And I remember crying and thinking "Oh no! They are going to let me take this child home? I have no idea what I am doing! I don't want to go home, I don't think I can do this. This baby cries like a pterodactyl for goodness sakes!"

Who wouldn't be terrified of this, right?!

We took her home and after a couple of days my hormones seemed to calm down to their normal freak out levels. Though initial bonding was difficult (some of which I attribute to my emergency c-section), I quickly fell head over heels in love with this little girl and began to feel confident as a mother. All was well with the world.

Then, 3 years later, along came Rascal. We had just gotten Diva Girl's diagnosis less than 4 months prior, and I was definitely already emotionally fragile. I had even been referred to a psychologist during my pregnancy to help me deal with everything (unfortunately, she was kind of awful and I may have lied to her a lot and then stopped showing up to appointments. She probably should have called me after that.) I remember bringing him home from the hospital and again feeling completely overwhelmed. My freak out this time sounded a bit more like "What were we thinking?! We've ruined Diva Girl's life. Which means we've ruined all our lives. And why does the baby keep looking at me like that? I think he hates me. I'm a horrible mother!" Imagine this inner dialog over the sounds of Diva Girl screaming like a banshee, and that pretty much sums it up.

If you look closely, you can see the panic in my eyes!

But again, within the week it seemed like he had been around forever and my fears subsided. Months later, I did fear that I was going through postpartum depression, but it turned out that I had a vitamin D deficiency and hypothyroidism, both of which can cause depression. Once I took care of those things, I was back to my usual levels of worry and anxiety.

And now we come to baby number three, my sweet Vlad. He was born in the comfort of our home, so I have no fun story of the day we brought him home from the hospital. I remember feeling calmer this time around, more comfortable, more like he just slid into the pre-existing chaos that is our lives. And goodness are our lives chaotic. During my pregnancy with Vlad, Rascal was diagnosed with autism, and we became special needs parents two times over. So I was surprised this time to find myself thinking "We're going to be ok! Sure they outnumber us now, but we can do this. Plus, he's the easiest baby we've ever had." Still, I knew that due to circumstance and a pre-disposition towards depression, that I should "keep an eye" on my emotional well being. 

He TRIED to keep an eye on me. 

I never expected THIS. I didn't really know about the full range of postpartum mood disorders. So I kept thinking to myself "Well, I'm not depressed. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm not depressed!" 

Sure, I'm not depressed. But I'm always worried. I've had panic attacks where my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest. My stomach is in knots. I feel so anxious sometimes that it is actually a physical pain. There are days when I can't seem to get anything done because I am frozen with anxiety. I thought that I knew what it was like to be anxious, and I'd even had panic attacks before, but nothing like this. This was constant, it was eating away at me, it was overwhelming.

I don't know why I am writing about this tonight, I only know that I felt very strongly like I should. Maybe it's because someone else needed to see it. Maybe it's because I needed other people to know. Maybe it's because it's been a bad anxiety day (thank God, they are getting fewer and farther between) and I just wanted to write it all out in the hopes that some of the anxiety will find its way out through my fingertips as I type. I don't know.

I do know that I am grateful. For the friends and family who have been there for me. For my therapist, who is amazing. For my husband, who is a saint. For the simple fact that knowing what is "wrong" can do wonders for my ability to cope.

If you read this and recognize yourself in it, know that you aren't alone. You can get help here to start with. And I am always here with a listening ear. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about? I pray you never will!

Why yes, I HAVE been avoiding writing in here.

Mommy, I'm shocked!

Dear friends, the last time I wrote I was on a mission. I had goals and lists and determination!

I kind of failed.
Not completely, but enough. I was doing pretty well turning off the electronics and tuning into my kids, but then Life happened. Our schedule completely changed and nowadays our family isn't even home together until it's time to cook dinner. By the time that's over we are all just about collapsing. Except for Diva Girl...she stands on the back of the couch, holds on to the railing for the stairs, and whips her hair back and forth laughing like a maniacal go-go dancer.

So my pledge to unplug for an hour every day to do a fun activity with the kids hasn't exactly panned out. However, I have tried to keep the spirit of my challenge going. I've been trying to step away from my screen and play. Or read. Or fill up the kiddie pool.

Best $10 purchase. Ever.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog lately. Gotten some encouragement to write more. Did you know that when I was a kid I wanted to be a writer? I long since figured out that God wanted me to wander down a different path, but I do think there is a lot of worth in continuing writing down my experiences and various musings. The more I learn about my kids the more I want others to know them, understand them. Maybe then the world will be ready for them and accept them. Love them.

But then again...who wouldn't love these kids?

Diva Girl 5yrs

Rascal 2yrs

Vlad 5mo