We all know the saying. "If at first you don't succeed..." But let's face it. Giving up sure does sound like the better option from time to time.
Diva Girl has been rather fearful of new places lately and that has made for some, um, interesting times out on the town. In other words, there is a whole lot of crying and screaming (mostly from her). And sometimes it seems like just keeping her home and only going out to familiar places is a pretty good plan. But then what? How suffocating would that be? And so out we go, and I push her out into the world. She is dragged, kicking and screaming, with me setting my jaw and telling her we are going to have fun if it kills us! I consider a new outing a success if she stops crying by the time we leave.
I'm not going to stop. If I don't push her, who will? As much as I hate those moments when we are out and she is laying on the floor screaming as though I am torturing her...I know those moments are stepping stones. I can step back and remind myself of how far she's come. And I remind myself that even the most normal of children have their own moments, their meltdowns. In fact, it has recently been brought to my attention that Diva Girl is excellent at eating out, something that was a huge issue only months ago! When a sweet older gentleman came to tell me that my children are well behaved, I may have literally glowed with pride. It didn't come easily, but what great accomplishment does?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Taking care of Mommy
There seems to be much more pressure nowadays to be and do everything as a mother. We're supposed to give our kids plenty of quality time and ensure they have opportunities for social interaction, help bring home the bacon (or help save plenty of bacon to afford staying home), cook like Betty Crocker, decorate like Martha Stewart, keep a clean home, and also carve out time to work on our marriages.
There is so much to keep up with. My calendar is riddled with doctors appointments, therapy appointments, and meetings. Volunteer commitments for church and school. But in the midst of these, there are pockets of time set aside for me. Mom's night out. Breakfast with friends. My "meetings" for ICAN and La Leche Leage that feel more like girl time talking about my favorite hobbies. I not only crave this time out of the house with grownups, but I need it.
Sometimes I feel guilty for the amount of time I get to spend on myself. But when I don't take these breaks, I quickly remember why I need them. I was born a social creature, and when I'm stuck in my tiny apartment with only my little loves for company, I go a bit stir crazy. A morning out with the ladies means a cheerful and productive afternoon, a mom with more patience and grace through the evening. When I have understanding friends to vent to, I don't let my frustrations out on my family. My mommy time keeps this family together.
So tomorrow I'll have breakfast with some wonderful friends. And Thursday evening, I'll go to mom's night out (my first real yoga session, double relaxation!). And you know what? I won't feel guilty about it.
After all, if mom's not happy...nobody's happy.
There is so much to keep up with. My calendar is riddled with doctors appointments, therapy appointments, and meetings. Volunteer commitments for church and school. But in the midst of these, there are pockets of time set aside for me. Mom's night out. Breakfast with friends. My "meetings" for ICAN and La Leche Leage that feel more like girl time talking about my favorite hobbies. I not only crave this time out of the house with grownups, but I need it.
Sometimes I feel guilty for the amount of time I get to spend on myself. But when I don't take these breaks, I quickly remember why I need them. I was born a social creature, and when I'm stuck in my tiny apartment with only my little loves for company, I go a bit stir crazy. A morning out with the ladies means a cheerful and productive afternoon, a mom with more patience and grace through the evening. When I have understanding friends to vent to, I don't let my frustrations out on my family. My mommy time keeps this family together.
So tomorrow I'll have breakfast with some wonderful friends. And Thursday evening, I'll go to mom's night out (my first real yoga session, double relaxation!). And you know what? I won't feel guilty about it.
After all, if mom's not happy...nobody's happy.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
A letter to the "normal"
There are things that I wish everyone knew.
I get a lot of questions. A lot of questions with a lot of significant looks and pitying voices. Some days, this can drive me crazy, and that is how i find myself writing this today. So this is my letter to you, imaginary reader of my blog!
First, I want you to know that, yes, it is hard. Life is hard for many people, whether or not they have a special needs child. But yes, her special needs add a certain amount of complexity to motherhood. I have had to adjust to a new normal. My days are spent teaching my child the things that other children seem to learn through osmosis, it comes as easily to them as breathing! I teach her to point, to look at me, to answer to her name. She has days when I can't get through to her world and we clash against each other, each frustrated that the other doesn't seem to understand. Yes, it is hard.
But...
We are HAPPY! Our messy home is filled with laughter and silliness! And she is also constantly teaching me...about loving with abandon, trusting without fear, and living without judgement. I don't cry in bed every night. My child is alive and healthy! Her future is bright and her present is a gift beyond measure.
I have two beautiful, intelligent, happy children. I could use your prayers, but please don't pity me. I am blessed in ways that I never imagined were possible!
I get a lot of questions. A lot of questions with a lot of significant looks and pitying voices. Some days, this can drive me crazy, and that is how i find myself writing this today. So this is my letter to you, imaginary reader of my blog!
First, I want you to know that, yes, it is hard. Life is hard for many people, whether or not they have a special needs child. But yes, her special needs add a certain amount of complexity to motherhood. I have had to adjust to a new normal. My days are spent teaching my child the things that other children seem to learn through osmosis, it comes as easily to them as breathing! I teach her to point, to look at me, to answer to her name. She has days when I can't get through to her world and we clash against each other, each frustrated that the other doesn't seem to understand. Yes, it is hard.
But...
We are HAPPY! Our messy home is filled with laughter and silliness! And she is also constantly teaching me...about loving with abandon, trusting without fear, and living without judgement. I don't cry in bed every night. My child is alive and healthy! Her future is bright and her present is a gift beyond measure.
I have two beautiful, intelligent, happy children. I could use your prayers, but please don't pity me. I am blessed in ways that I never imagined were possible!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
one step forward...
I don't like steps back, but they happen. They happen when I raise my voice to my little girl, even when I know that it does no good. They happen when I let the dishes pile up on me (again). And they happen when I stop at the drive through because I cannot fathom cooking dinner. Steps back. Not the direction I want to be going. But as much as these steps beat at my conscience, they are things that I can deal with.
My own steps, I can handle. What I have a much harder time with is watching my little girl take her own steps in the wrong direction. I know it's going to happen, I can even predict that they will occur! But that doesn't change the fact that when my prediction becomes reality, it's all I can do to not panic.
Progress. It's become a golden word. It takes hard work, perserverance, and sometimes...a few steps back to start with.
My own steps, I can handle. What I have a much harder time with is watching my little girl take her own steps in the wrong direction. I know it's going to happen, I can even predict that they will occur! But that doesn't change the fact that when my prediction becomes reality, it's all I can do to not panic.
Progress. It's become a golden word. It takes hard work, perserverance, and sometimes...a few steps back to start with.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Ummm, what day is it again?
The days all blur together. I eat some, I sleep little. Rascal eats lots and sleeps even more. Diva Girl sleeps when it's inconvenient, and is generally driving me crazy. Husband may be even more sleep deprived than I am, and he hardly has a moment to stop and play with these crazy kids.
When Diva Girl was a newborn I took a million pictures of her every day. Poor Rascal is getting cheated. He also gets to spend more time in the bouncy seat than she did. I am refusing to feel guilty about these things. I'm in survival mode. Can't help but wonder when I'll be able to ENJOY my kids. It will happen, right?
When Diva Girl was a newborn I took a million pictures of her every day. Poor Rascal is getting cheated. He also gets to spend more time in the bouncy seat than she did. I am refusing to feel guilty about these things. I'm in survival mode. Can't help but wonder when I'll be able to ENJOY my kids. It will happen, right?
Friday, February 19, 2010
I'm Thinkin....I'm Thinkin....
I revived this old blog with the story of my precious son's birth, and I think I need to keep it going. I miss having a blog to write in, and I haven't written in one regularly since the days of xanga (oh, the memories). So, here we go again!
I'm surprised at how life has fallen into a new rhythm over the past ten days. I know that things will change as Rascal wakes up more and starts enjoying the world he's been born into, but I am currently loving these laid back days. Sure, sleep is a precious commodity, but that hasn't kept me from enjoying the wonder of having a newborn around again. In fact, as I write this, I keep glancing over at my sweet boy. He is asleep, with his hands curled up around his face. I can't help but wonder...who are you going to be, little boy? Will you be as high energy and precocious as your big sister? Or will you be calm and serious? I still joke about how Diva Girl wanted to come into the world feet first...kicking already! Will I soon joke about how you were always in a hurry, how you were an eager go-getter from the moment of your birth? I can't wait to get to know you, my sweet boy!
Diva Girl is growing more accustomed to his presence by the day. She gives him little smiles and glances. I think she may be gearing up to give him a kiss on the head...I have high hopes! She has definitely surprised me in how she's handled his arrival. It's taking a little longer than I anticipated for her to interact with him, but on the other hand she hasn't been aggressive towards him (I was so scared of that possibility!) I have the feeling that she will be very loving towards him once she gets more used to him. Who couldn't love him, right??
I'm surprised at how life has fallen into a new rhythm over the past ten days. I know that things will change as Rascal wakes up more and starts enjoying the world he's been born into, but I am currently loving these laid back days. Sure, sleep is a precious commodity, but that hasn't kept me from enjoying the wonder of having a newborn around again. In fact, as I write this, I keep glancing over at my sweet boy. He is asleep, with his hands curled up around his face. I can't help but wonder...who are you going to be, little boy? Will you be as high energy and precocious as your big sister? Or will you be calm and serious? I still joke about how Diva Girl wanted to come into the world feet first...kicking already! Will I soon joke about how you were always in a hurry, how you were an eager go-getter from the moment of your birth? I can't wait to get to know you, my sweet boy!
Diva Girl is growing more accustomed to his presence by the day. She gives him little smiles and glances. I think she may be gearing up to give him a kiss on the head...I have high hopes! She has definitely surprised me in how she's handled his arrival. It's taking a little longer than I anticipated for her to interact with him, but on the other hand she hasn't been aggressive towards him (I was so scared of that possibility!) I have the feeling that she will be very loving towards him once she gets more used to him. Who couldn't love him, right??
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Amazing, Unexpected Homebirth of Rascal
I’m not quite sure when we could say that “real” labor began. I started having contractions on Sunday, Feb. 7th, but they were irregular and went away that night when I went to sleep. On Monday I had contractions all day, but they were spaced out and didn’t feel like much. Just kept me on edge, wondering if it was the beginning of something or not! I got emotional and started doubting myself, but a quick call to L, our doula, got me focused and reminded me that the most important thing was to rest and be ready for the contractions to turn into the “real thing”. So I hopped into bed and tried to sleep through the light contractions.
At about 6am the contractions actually woke me up. I started timing them and they were about 10 minutes apart. While I had to stop and focus on them, I didn’t find them all that painful. After a couple hours of consistent contractions, I began to hope that we would be having a baby that day! So I called my doula, my mom, and a friend to get Diva Girl, and began to put things in motion at about 9 am. Since things seemed to be going slow, L planned on coming at about 1. I spent the next few hours just breathing through the contractions and getting things ready. At about 11:45 the contractions were still 8-10 minutes apart, but felt a bit stronger. I decided to put in a movie to help distract me, as though Pride and Prejudice would keep me from noticing and overanalyzing my contractions.
At about 12:30 I had a particularly bad contraction and felt like someone punched me. I went to the bathroom and my water broke! Right then and there the contractions started to pick up. They were suddenly every five minutes, then every three, then they just seemed to come in right after another. Hello transition! I called L to make sure she was on her way (she was) and called the midwives office to see if they wanted me to go straight to the hospital. I guess I sounded too calm despite my contractions coming every two minutes, because they told me to go in to the office first.
I knew that if we just waited for L, we could hop into her van and go straight to the hospital. So I had Husband help me into some sweatpants and socks and shoes, and tried to get through the crazy contractions. This is the only part I remember as being particularly painful...I think I said I was dying, that I couldn’t do it, and so on and so forth. All the time, Husband held me up and encouraged me. He kept reminding me that I not only COULD do it, but that I was actually DOING it! He was as calm as he always is, and it was exactly what I needed.
By 1 o’clock, the contractions were bringing me to my knees. I think it was around this point that I just couldn’t imagine getting into a car. That’s also when I realized that I was feeling the need to push with my contractions. Actually, I was pushing with the contractions, I just couldn’t help it! So I had Nate get me un-ready to go, taking my socks and shoes and sweatpants back off, and had him go get towels to lay on the floor. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I was instictively getting ready for Robert’s arrival, without actually acknowledging that I was going to give birth at home. I just knew what was NOT going to happen...leaving.
L arrived at 1:15 to me starting to freak out. I’m not entirely sure what was really said, but it was made very clear by me that there was no way I could imagine moving from the floor. Thank God we chose a doula who is also a midwife! She sent Husband out to her van to get her medical bag, and immediately took control, which calmed me down immensely. She got out the doppler and checked Rascal’s heartbeat, then checked my blood pressure. When she checked to see how dilated I was, she told me that his head was right there! At that point we were all pretty sure that I was having this baby on the living room floor. So L had Husband call 911 for backup, since we didn’t have any oxygen. She quickly pulled out her supplies and got things ready, seemingly unshaken by the change of plans!
The paramedics were there in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I was so in the birthing zone, I didn’t even care that there was suddenly a team of men standing around watching me give birth. One did dare to grab my arm in between pushes, and I confusedly asked what he was doing. When he replied that they needed to put in an IV, I growled “NO IV!” and then I was left alone. Apparently, some of them were under the impression that we were going to get me to the hospital right then and there. L calmly told them that we were going to “stay and play” because the baby was crowning, and then looked me in the eyes and told me I needed to push. I’m not sure I have ever zoned in on a person so intensely before, but with her there telling me to breathe, telling me I could do it, I felt this surge of energy and strength and focus that I have never had before. Husband was behind me, I was propped up against him, and he gave me his hands and his strength and encouragement. And before I knew it I felt the most intense pain, followed by the most amazing relief...and then my baby boy was placed onto my stomach.
Nothing else mattered in that moment. He was absolutely beautiful and completely perfect. I held him and forgot about everyone else there. I think I kept saying things like “He’s perfect!” and “I DID IT!!!!” over and over again. I don’t think I’ve really stopped saying those words! I will never forget that moment. I felt so strong, like I could do anything. I was filled with love...for Husband, for Rascal, for Diva Girl, even though she wasn’t there.
Rascal was born at 1:56 on February 9th 2010, and weighed in at 6 lbs. 14 oz, and 20 inches long. We made our way to the hospital after he was born, with me holding my precious boy in the back of an ambulance. There was such an air of celebration, even with the paramedics. They seemed happy just to be around a happy story, and I think they enjoyed getting to tell everyone that we were healthy as they wheeled us into the emergency room. I don’t imagine they get to see nearly enough happy endings in their line of work. I was grinning from ear to ear, and I felt like I was floating around on a birth high until about 3 am! I even kept my good mood while they repaired my small tear. Everyone seemed happy for us, and it was fun hearing the nurses exclaim their surprise about my VBAC at home! I think I’m still surprised at myself, as well. But I do know one thing...I think we’ll just go ahead and PLAN on L catching our next baby at home!
At about 6am the contractions actually woke me up. I started timing them and they were about 10 minutes apart. While I had to stop and focus on them, I didn’t find them all that painful. After a couple hours of consistent contractions, I began to hope that we would be having a baby that day! So I called my doula, my mom, and a friend to get Diva Girl, and began to put things in motion at about 9 am. Since things seemed to be going slow, L planned on coming at about 1. I spent the next few hours just breathing through the contractions and getting things ready. At about 11:45 the contractions were still 8-10 minutes apart, but felt a bit stronger. I decided to put in a movie to help distract me, as though Pride and Prejudice would keep me from noticing and overanalyzing my contractions.
At about 12:30 I had a particularly bad contraction and felt like someone punched me. I went to the bathroom and my water broke! Right then and there the contractions started to pick up. They were suddenly every five minutes, then every three, then they just seemed to come in right after another. Hello transition! I called L to make sure she was on her way (she was) and called the midwives office to see if they wanted me to go straight to the hospital. I guess I sounded too calm despite my contractions coming every two minutes, because they told me to go in to the office first.
I knew that if we just waited for L, we could hop into her van and go straight to the hospital. So I had Husband help me into some sweatpants and socks and shoes, and tried to get through the crazy contractions. This is the only part I remember as being particularly painful...I think I said I was dying, that I couldn’t do it, and so on and so forth. All the time, Husband held me up and encouraged me. He kept reminding me that I not only COULD do it, but that I was actually DOING it! He was as calm as he always is, and it was exactly what I needed.
By 1 o’clock, the contractions were bringing me to my knees. I think it was around this point that I just couldn’t imagine getting into a car. That’s also when I realized that I was feeling the need to push with my contractions. Actually, I was pushing with the contractions, I just couldn’t help it! So I had Nate get me un-ready to go, taking my socks and shoes and sweatpants back off, and had him go get towels to lay on the floor. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I was instictively getting ready for Robert’s arrival, without actually acknowledging that I was going to give birth at home. I just knew what was NOT going to happen...leaving.
L arrived at 1:15 to me starting to freak out. I’m not entirely sure what was really said, but it was made very clear by me that there was no way I could imagine moving from the floor. Thank God we chose a doula who is also a midwife! She sent Husband out to her van to get her medical bag, and immediately took control, which calmed me down immensely. She got out the doppler and checked Rascal’s heartbeat, then checked my blood pressure. When she checked to see how dilated I was, she told me that his head was right there! At that point we were all pretty sure that I was having this baby on the living room floor. So L had Husband call 911 for backup, since we didn’t have any oxygen. She quickly pulled out her supplies and got things ready, seemingly unshaken by the change of plans!
The paramedics were there in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I was so in the birthing zone, I didn’t even care that there was suddenly a team of men standing around watching me give birth. One did dare to grab my arm in between pushes, and I confusedly asked what he was doing. When he replied that they needed to put in an IV, I growled “NO IV!” and then I was left alone. Apparently, some of them were under the impression that we were going to get me to the hospital right then and there. L calmly told them that we were going to “stay and play” because the baby was crowning, and then looked me in the eyes and told me I needed to push. I’m not sure I have ever zoned in on a person so intensely before, but with her there telling me to breathe, telling me I could do it, I felt this surge of energy and strength and focus that I have never had before. Husband was behind me, I was propped up against him, and he gave me his hands and his strength and encouragement. And before I knew it I felt the most intense pain, followed by the most amazing relief...and then my baby boy was placed onto my stomach.
Nothing else mattered in that moment. He was absolutely beautiful and completely perfect. I held him and forgot about everyone else there. I think I kept saying things like “He’s perfect!” and “I DID IT!!!!” over and over again. I don’t think I’ve really stopped saying those words! I will never forget that moment. I felt so strong, like I could do anything. I was filled with love...for Husband, for Rascal, for Diva Girl, even though she wasn’t there.
Rascal was born at 1:56 on February 9th 2010, and weighed in at 6 lbs. 14 oz, and 20 inches long. We made our way to the hospital after he was born, with me holding my precious boy in the back of an ambulance. There was such an air of celebration, even with the paramedics. They seemed happy just to be around a happy story, and I think they enjoyed getting to tell everyone that we were healthy as they wheeled us into the emergency room. I don’t imagine they get to see nearly enough happy endings in their line of work. I was grinning from ear to ear, and I felt like I was floating around on a birth high until about 3 am! I even kept my good mood while they repaired my small tear. Everyone seemed happy for us, and it was fun hearing the nurses exclaim their surprise about my VBAC at home! I think I’m still surprised at myself, as well. But I do know one thing...I think we’ll just go ahead and PLAN on L catching our next baby at home!
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