Her name was Elizabeth Rose.

We never heard her heartbeat. We never saw her. We don't know that she was even a girl...all we have is a strong feeling, an intuition. But in our minds and hearts she was a she and her name was Elizabeth Rose and we loved her very much. We always will.

There are some days that make your heart hurt. Today is one of those days.

I wish I were a better mother. I wish that I didn't sit her in front of the tv when I have no idea what else to do. I wish I were the kind of mom that could make everyday things fun, that could come up with fun crafts and sing songs and take her on fun outings. I wish that there were more room for her to play and age appropriate toys for her to play with. I wish I had a camera so I could capture all the wonderful moments we do have together.

I wish I could give her what she deserves. I wish that when she cries for food that we don't have, I could tell her we could get some later. I wish that I could afford the kind of diet she really needs. I wish that there could be presents under the tree from mommy and daddy. I wish that she could have a jacket that fits and a hat and pajamas that don't hurt her neck.

I wish that I could take her to a doctor.

I wish that as I look into her sweet sleeping face that I could believe that she is unaffected by all of this...oh, how I wish.

You know it's been too long since you shaved if your leg hairs have split ends.



I wish I were kidding.

Can't Hardly Stand It

I hate it when she's sick.
It makes me feel so small and helpless and lost.
I am MOMMY! I am supposed to make everything better! I am the kisser of boo-boos, the finder of toys, the giver of the all-important food...but I am not the healer of a fever. I can't make it go away.
All I can do is hold her and kiss her and pray to the One who is the ultimate Healer. I can let her watch too much tv in bed with me all day. I can hold her little feverish body close to me and listen to her breathing and respond to her whimpers. And when she finally falls asleep I can kiss her forehead and smile because I know that she'll be better in the morning.

Really Kid?

Diva Girl really had some amazing moments in the past week. The more she grows, the more she entertains us!

Hilarious moment #1:
It was about one in the morning and she would not go to sleep. Yeah, doesn't exactly seem like the setting for a hilarious moment (more like a setting for mommy to go crazy). Then, out of nowhere, she starts to giggle. And the giggles start to turn into chuckles, and the chuckles to all out laughter. Wild, crazy laughter! She is shrieking and throwing herself all over as though invisible hands are tickling her. Husband and I are shrugging at one another, completely at a loss as to why she is cracking up. Her laughter gets more and more out of control and then I just can't help it- I crack up too! So there we are, both laughing till we cry, at one in the morning. It was amazing. Eventually, we had to shush her until she calmed back down and she fell asleep soon after. We figure she must have just been delirious from lack of sleep, but I have never heard her laugh so hard or for so long before.

Hilarious moment #2:
She's sitting in Husband's lap watching football (ewww, football!) and she keeps yelling "Ready, set, GO!". I am completely confused until he tells me that she's been saying that the whole game. Everytime the guys line themselves up for the play, she yells "Ready, set, GO!" because that's just what you yell before people run! Awesome.

Hilarious moment #3:
Husband changes the channel to Sports Center (ewww, more football!) and Diva Girl jumps up and runs to the tv. As the updates scroll across the bottom of the screen, she points her finger at the words and follows them across the screen. That was pretty cute. But then the scrolling stops so the scores for the games can pop up and Miss Diva Girl is not happy! She furiously points to the scores and tells it "NO!" until the scrolling starts again. Husband and I crack up.




These are the moments worth remembering. I love that kid!

What a difference a week makes

If you'd asked me a week ago if I wanted to get away from it all for a few days I would have said no. I really had no desire to leave Diva Girl. In my eyes she's still so young and she needs me.

Fast foward to this week.

Tomorrow I'm going to Atlanta with a good friend to be around something I am passionate about (besides lactating). And I'm going by myself. No babe in tow.

I am scared.

But I need this.

See, things have been kind of rough with the little lady this week. I'm going through a lot of changes and so is she. I'm also imposing some changes- such as the "no milk at night" rule. Some of this has made her mad and difficult, but the changes are necessary. It was either night-wean or get extremely unhappy and resentful of nursing, and thus ruining our nursing relationship. So even though she doesn't understand, I am really choosing the lesser of two evils.

Tonight she slapped me in the face. Twice. It stung my cheek, I swear there was a little toddler sized handprint on my cheek. But even more, it hurt me in my very soul. She was so angry when she did it, so purposeful. She looked me in the eyes and hurt me. Then she refused to say she was sorry. All I could do was cry.

So I left her with daddy and they had a talk and she apologized. I know she really was sorry, just as I really am sorry that our relationship has to go through these changes. But I think any hesitations about leaving her for a night left me. I need to do this so I can come back a better mother. Because the one that she's left with right now is running on empty.



I'll always come back for you, baby girl, I hope you understand.

Sometimes the wisdom of a mom who has been-there-done-that is absolutely wonderful and hilarious at the same time.

We walked into Dee's house and Diva Girl is in full glory- meaning that she had just woken up from a way too short nap and was cranky. She whined, she screeched, and she threw herself back onto the floor. I stood there and wanted to die. Or take a nap. Dee just said "oh, that sounds like a teething whine!" and whipped out a lemon italian ice and before I know it...blissful silence. Then, even better than blissful silence...laughter. And after eating that whole thing, the kid's mouth was completely numb I suppose. Oh, she's goooood.