I Believe

It's Christmas Eve. The Christmas lights are twinkling and the presents are under the tree and I have that feeling of contentment in my heart. As I think about Christmas, I find myself thinking about my faith.

I don't often blog about my beliefs, I guess I leave that to my hubs (who writes, quite brilliantly, here) It's probably known to all who know me that I am a Christian. In fact, I'm wife to a Pastor, which still makes me laugh from time to time. I doubt anyone who went to youth group with me back in the day saw that coming. I certainly didn't! Because being a Christian encompasses so much of who I am, I rarely feel the need to write specifically about it I guess. But tonight I'm thinking about Christmas and about the blessings that have been poured out onto my family. And I'm thinking about the families who lost their children so recently, who quite possibly had presents all wrapped and ready for them. And I'm thinking about the conversations that have taken place around me since then. But mostly I'm thinking about believing.

Tomorrow we will wake up and rip open presents in celebration of the fact that a baby came long ago to save the world. When I think about it, it sounds completely absurd, and not just because I know that Jesus wasn't born on December 25th. There are many times that I've sat in church and I suddenly step outside of the fact that I've been raised in this faith tradition and I think to myself- Wow, this sounds completely nuts. If I were someone who just stepped into a church for the first time and heard the Apostles Creed, I would think we were all mad.
 "I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
    the Creator of heaven and earth,
    and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
    born of the Virgin Mary,
    suffered under Pontius Pilate,
    was crucified, died, and was buried..."

Yep. Completely bonkers. Then add in all of the bad in the world, all of the evil. How does anyone believe in a God, if this is His grand creation?

Yes, I've thought all of these things. In the midst of the darkest days, when all I could see of my life was the grief of "losing" my children to autism and dealing with multiple miscarriages...I can't say that I never doubted. Sometimes it seems like there are two kinds of Christians- the ones who, in the face of tragedy, grow closer to God and lean on Him for strength, and the ones who question Him and grow angry. I am, apparently, the latter (side note: I've moved past this for the most part, or at least the angry part.) I used to think this made me a horrible Christian, and perhaps not a Christian at all. I've come to believe that it is more of a reflection of my personality. If you know me at all, you know that I question everything, that I am a researching maniac and second guesser. I have a hard time choosing a dinner entree or a parenting methodology. Choosing to get up every day and believe that there is a God who loves me and who gave his son so that I could be saved? Tricky.

But I do believe. I believe that He came, as a baby, as a miracle. I believe that He loves me. I believe that He loves you. I am not nearly eloquent enough to explain all of the reasons why I believe...and tonight I have no desire to. There will always be reasons to doubt. That is why it is called Faith. 

And as I sit here in the glow of the Christmas tree lights, I'm so very glad I believe. I'm so very glad I can rest in the assurance that Christ has come, so that all might have the joy and hope that He brings us, that He brings to me in the midst of the chaos of my life. I believe, I believe, I believe!

Blessed

My mind has been mulling over a lot today, so we'll see exactly what I end up sharing here. I may just go all stream of consciousness and see what comes out. Well....as much as I can, considering I still have children awake.

Mainly, I've been thinking about all of this amazing stuff that has been happening for us. I'm not bragging, I'm honestly still just shocked that so much has been going our way lately. First, you should already know that everything has turned out amazingly well for Diva Girl's school. Since then it seems like one thing after another has fallen into place. A local company has given our kids a Christmas full of gifts that are perfect for them and a friend provided them with gifts for every day of Advent. While Christmas is about much more than presents, we weren't sure if we would be able to do anything for the kids at all this year....and now they have so many presents that we will probably hold some stuff back to give them for their birthdays the next month so they won't be overwhelmed. I'm still in awe.

We have chosen which school we will send Diva Girl to next year and are actually comfortable with it, which is a pretty big deal considering I swore I would never put her in public school. Now we just have to move to the west side of town, which is great because our church is out there too. Which means that we might just get to move to a place that gives our kid a much needed yard to play in! Goodness knows they need some running space.

It just...feels like everything is good right now. I don't experience that very much. Yesterday my therapist actually said, in surprise, "Oh, well, everything seems to be great! What's that feel like?" It made me laugh, and reflect. I realize that for quite a while I've been a "glass half empty" kind of girl. Life has thrown some hard things our way. And while I try to combat that with a lot of humor and laughter, I still tend to have a pretty negative mindset.

If you don't already know, I'm a spa girl. That means that I do pampering sessions for women in their homes, offices, schools, wherever, and I get to use and sell the most amazing products! It is honestly something that I absolutely enjoy and is the one thing that I do that is completely outside of my role of "mommy". I get to escape the house,  And I've met some truly fabulous ladies through it. And these ladies are always sharing their stories of success, and I see them growing right before my very eyes, month after month. But then I always walk away and think to myself...yeah, but that's them. And I'm ME. Good things don't happen to me. Boo hoo.

Gosh, I annoy myself.

The whole reason I started thinking about my blessings today is because of my spa sisters. I really think that God has used them to show me how blessed I am today and how much more he wants to bless me tomorrow, and the day after that, and on and on and on. For the first time in a long time I'm thinking...why not me? Why can't I be successful at something that I love to do? Why can't I bless other women through my business? Why can't I provide for my kids this way?

Today, I just imagine God smiling down on me and saying "Oh honey, I know you've had it hard. But the blessings have come...and just wait and see what I still have in store for you. Keep working hard. Keep looking to me."

Box o Blessings!

Keep on Keepin on

For those of you who haven't already heard the news:
WE DID IT!!!!!!!!

What is "IT"? In a nutshell- We fought the system and won. Diva Girl's therapy is going to be paid for by the public education system. We will even be reimbursed for some of the months that they should have been providing her with services and didn't. Quite honestly, I'm still shocked. This sort of thing just doesn't happen, at least not to anyone who doesn't have loads of money to hire lawyers. Well, that's what I always thought until now.

I've had a few people want to talk over it all with me, they want to know what magic we've worked. The same thing happened after we got ABA therapy through TEIS. They ask for advice and I feel a bit sheepish giving it because the truth is that in many ways we have just plain been blessed. Sure, I can give some basic advice about how we did things, the kind of language we used, etc., but really...I don't feel like some brave warrior who went to battle and won. I feel like a tired old woman who had her prayers answered.

I almost gave up. I almost wanted to walk away and let them get away with completely failing at providing my daughter with what she has a legal right to. Because they seemed so big and strong and completely uncaring. Because it takes money to fight, most of the time, and we are sorely lacking in that department. The stress of it all was wearing on me in ways that are hard to describe. I cried with relief when I realized that we were getting everything she needed.

And even now, in the midst of that relief...in the back of my mind I know that this is a fight that never ends. In January Rascal will be evaluated and we will being the process of dealing with Metro with him. In August Diva Girl will redo Kindergarten in a local school. And there will be more IEP meetings and more fights. That is my job, to speak up for my kids and ensure that they get the services they need and the education that they deserve. Just thinking of it makes me so fully exhausted that I just want to crawl back into bed and hibernate.

So I will push all that out of my mind and try to revel in the moment. My kids are getting what they need, for now, and making spectacular progress! We will keep fighting, as many times as we need to. And I can't help but hope that maybe I can somehow make this battle a little easier on other families in the future. Raising children with special needs is hard enough, we really don't need the added stress of trying to make schools do what they are legally obligated to do. Our kids deserve better than that.

These kids deserve so much more.

"How can I help?"

It's the question that I keep getting asked lately. From people who know me well and from people who barely know me but know about our family. Apparently, I'm starting to look as frazzled as I feel most days!

People tend to apologize to me because they can't help in the way that they think I need help. Yes, we absolutely want people to donate to BCA. Yes, we love babysitters. No, we don't expect everyone to do those things. We don't even WANT everyone to do those things. We don't want friends and family who are themselves struggling to get by, feel like they have to donate triple digits in the name of being helpful. We don't want people who are not "regulars" in our kids lives to babysit (and inevitably struggle the entire night while the kids take advantage of "the newbie"!), as appreciative as we are of those who can and do.

So here is a list of ways that anyone can help us. Some of them take time, some of them take money, and some of them are goofy. But hey...you asked. Ok, maybe you didn't, but still.

- We all know that I'm about 50% caffeine. Coffee makes my world go round. Want to make my day? Get me a white chocolate mocha. It may seem silly, but the combination of coffee and kindness always lightens my load and puts a pep in my step. I've had friends who got gift cards for Starbucks and gave them to me because they don't like coffee, and I swear there is a special place in heaven for those people.

-Coupons. I use them and they help our family more than you'd guess. Just save the inserts from your Sunday paper for me and I will clip em and use em. Your trash (or recyclables) is my treasure!

- Come on over. Bring the kids, they can run around together. Keep an eye out while I do the laundry and write a few emails. Give me someone to talk to while I sweep and take Rascal to the bathroom every 30 minutes of my life. And while you're at it...

- Bring dinner. No, I didn't just have a baby or surgery or any of the other acceptable reasons that people bring you dinner. But cooking is incredibly difficult lately (Rascal hasn't napped and is screaming, Diva Girl is underfoot and requesting chicken nuggets over and over and over, and Vlad is ready for bed and wants me to hold him the entire time or he screams at me. Also, none of my children understand the danger of a hot stove.) so getting to skip that experience is a huge blessing.

- Listen. I really don't think that requires an explanation.

- Gas. We spend a ridiculous amount on gas. Driving to this therapy and that doctor and then to more therapy has put quite a toll on our gas budget. So for Christmas this year, we're asking for gift cards to get gas! Mostly though, just let me know if you see any good deals on gas, or gift cards for gas. Or heck, if you have a good discount on your kroger rewards, just let us pull up behind you and fill er up and we can give you cash. Anything to save on gas!!!

- Prayers. Pray for the kids. Pray for me. Pray for Husband. Pray for our family, for our marriage, for our sanity. I believe that prayer really does make a difference in our lives.

- Give me a call after you declutter. If you are taking things to Goodwill, let me have a shot at it first. We have been SO grateful for the many hand-me-downs that keep our kids well dressed. There are always little things we can use but don't make it into the budget, and I love feeling like I got to go shopping without that pesky spending money thing. Plus, I have such a good time passing those things on when we're done with them.

-Hold the baby. Seriously, my arms are killing me. Just go ahead, next time you see me...play with the baby for 5 minutes and give my arms a break.

- Love my kids. Let them climb on you a bit. Understand if they ignore you. Accept them as they are. It helps, more than you know.

Yeah, that is a pretty good list of ways you can help, if you feel the urge to do such a thing. God bless every person who does even one of these things. Having 3 kids is hard, and when 2 of those kids have special needs....well, I guess that makes it all more difficult. It's just my life, I don't know any difference. But just as much as I can't imagine my kids any differently, I also can't imagine doing this without the help of others. I'm blessed!

Reality

Many of you know that I've been under quite a bit of stress lately. Yes, there is always stress in my life (in all of our lives) but it's really getting a bit ridiculous.

What is going on this week that has me one step closer to the looney bin? It all boils down to one big issue: It's time for us to pay the kids' tuition at BCA and the money just isn't there.

Keeping the kids there has been especially difficult in the past few months. We lost a significant donor and a few other regular givers have had to pull back on their contributions. Of course, we completely understand that and appreciate every bit that comes in. But this combination has made coming up with tuition incredibly difficult...and the reality of the situation is that if things don't change soon, we will have to make the difficult decision to pull one of the kids out.

Since July I have been working on something that would get Diva Girl's tuition covered. This has been a frustrating enterprise, but I believe that there is an end in sight. And by the end of October, we will know. If this doesn't happen...she will not be able to stay. Just thinking that makes me feel sick because I know she needs it. I know that every day that she is there she is learning. I've talked to what is essentially the expert on her diagnosis and he was amazed at the progress that she has made. The thought of pulling her out...what would happen? I'm scared to know. And to be honest, I am not prepared to spend all day with her. She is like a moody little teenager. I like being able to drop her off and know that when I pick her up she will be a happy and more verbal and more loving little girl.

So I have to keep working and believing that it will work out. Because every time I think of pulling her out it's like my mind rejects the idea. I can't do it. I can't keep Rascal there and not her. I can't pull them both out when we could get the tuition paid for one. It's a reality that I can't seem to wrap my mind around.

And while I look to the future and try to make things work, I still have to deal with today's reality. That reality is that we have about 5 days until tuition is due. Over three thousand dollars. It just seems so impossible and it makes me feel physically ill and overwhelmed. I think and think and think and I have no solution. It's on my mind all day, playing in the background, and it's the last thing I pray about as I drift off to sleep. God has come through for over two years now, so I just keep praying.

We are so close. We just need to get through this month. I keep trying to think of some funny quip to make this all light and fluffy. Some way to inject some humor into the whole situation because humor is the way that I stay sane. But I just can't find it.

I love my kids so much. I wish I had this money for them, for their future. Some days I just hate reality.

Ok, You Got Me!

After my previous post, where I discussed how I'm NOT "doing it all", a few friends insisted that I am still doing a heck of a lot. And they still want to know how. So, here is my guide to at least looking like you are doing it all!

-Coffee. Lots of it. The sugary kind. I admit that I am one of those fancy drink kind of girls. Give me a White Chocolate Mocha or a Pumpkin Pie Latte! Not only does the sugar help the coffee taste yummy, but it gives me that extra buzz that I need to get through the morning. Falling asleep on the long drive to the doctor's office for the third time in a week? I just keep slapping myself in the face until I reach the starbuck's drive thru, then I'm all good! (My birthday is October 25th...in case you want to buy me a gift cards)

-Smartphone. This thing is my brain. It is my sanity. It has my calendar, to help me set up the various doctor and therapy appointments. It has the gps, to help me find the various offices where I take the children to doctors and therapists. It has facebook and kindle, to keep me sane in the waiting rooms at the aforementioned offices. Really, don't know that I could manage without it.

-Disney Movies. Glorious little child pleasers!!! I would get nothing done, NOTHING, without some good old tv time for the kids. Go ahead, gasp and clutch your pearls. But there is nothing like putting in that movie, hearing that glorious music, and knowing that I might just have them happy for long enough to take a shower in peace. Which leads right into....

-Showers. Daily. I don't care how crazy things get, I am getting my shower. Sometimes I take one with the knowledge that a little person is going to completely wreck a room while I'm gone. Worth it. Showering makes me feel human. It wakes me up in the morning but relaxes me at the same time. I hear so many women complain that they don't have time to shower....if it is a priority to you, make time. Just do it. the baby can cry for 5 minutes, he will not be forever damaged. The children can be in a safe room by themselves. And, for you married ladies, the husband can hold down the fort for long enough for you to shower and even put some makeup on if you want to. Showering is just non-optional to me.

-Husband. I'm so very blessed in this department. Mine is pretty top-of-the-line. He is hands on with the kids and supportive of me. He makes me laugh when I'm about to go off the deep end and he reminds me to put one foot in front of the other on days when I just feel like breaking down. I really, really recommend having a good one if you can find one.

-Respite. I don't get nearly enough of this, I feel. But still, I know I get more than some. Whether it be a babysitter so I can get a date with that hot husband of mine or a neighbor taking the older two so I can have 2 hours of semi sanity, having a break is so very important to me. As time goes on and I realize more and more how much I need help, I am seeking out more respite care. The weekends when my parents take Diva Girl and Rascal are awesome for all of us!! The kids are always thrilled to be with someone other than boring old mom and I am thrilled to have time to either be productive or rest.

-God. There is only so much that a human can take without breaking. I break, far more often than I like to admit, and He is always there to put me back together. I just couldn't do it all without my God and my church family. Period.

-Smile. Nothing convinces other people that you are still sane and doing well like a smile. A sense of humor and a positive attitude goes a long way. I've got the humor but I'm working on the attitude.

So, in summary....the next time the dishes are piled high, the calendar is overbooked, and the children are climbing the wall, all you have to do is take a shower, send the kids to the neighbors, grab some coffee, say a prayer, and smile. Then everyone will at least think you have it under control!

All

People always ask me how I "do it all". The answer is simple.

I don't. Not even close. I maybe do half, on a good day.

I have no idea what gives people the impression that I am managing life very well. When they ask me how I am, my pat reply tends to be "Tired!" I don't exactly attempt to maintain any illusions that I have it all together. And yet- I swear I am applauded almost daily by women who can't believe I'm "doing it all"

What is this ALL that they speak of? A clean house? Well, one step into my home and you can clearly see that I don't have one of those. I'm a pretty poor home keeper. Dinners on the table? Please...I'm ashamed of the amount of McDonald's wrappers that can be found in my minivan at any given moment. Keeping up with our crazy schedule? You don't want to know how often we drop the ball and miss a therapy session or a meeting because I forgot to write it down.

Let's get real- What people are really saying is that they can't imagine life with 3 kids, 2 of them with an extra side of special. Well, I'm living it and I am still perplexed on how it happens. It's all I can manage to keep things going. We get up, I get the short people dressed and fed and semi-clean, and we go out into the world. Anything beyond the basics is utterly overwhelming to me at the moment.

I'm supposed to be homeschooling Diva Girl this year. Kindergarten, you know, the really hard stuff. I say "supposed to" because most days it hasn't really happened. I honestly don't know how people manage this. And this is coming from a woman who has wanted to homeschool since before I had children! I can't seem to even do the planning part, never mind the implementation. I mean, I'm supposed to cram several hours of school in among the shuttle service I provide for therapy? And the schedule of nursing, playing, and rocking a baby to sleep? And the cleaning and church and "social activities"? And the thought rises up, like panic, over and over again....I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

I'm afraid to admit that I really can't "do it all" because I so desperately want to. Really, I need to. We are severely lacking in choices. I have to get up tomorrow and "do it all" because there is no other option. The Kids must be fed and watered and therapied. The girl has to learn. The boys have to be nurtured. The Mom must be super woman. But how?



I wish I knew.