Farewell 2010, You Were Good To Us...

On the eve of New Years Eve, I feel the need to take a stroll down Nostalgia Lane. Since I will be busy partying tomorrow evening (HA!), I figured that I should write this now, while I'm hopped up from the White Chocolate Mocha that I drank at 8:30 this evening. Let's begin at the beginning...

This time last year I was fat with child, and eagerly anticipating a much better year than the one before. The first big event, of course, was the birth of Rascal, which you can read all about here For those of you who want the Cliff Notes version- Went into labor, labor went rather quickly, and SURPRISE! there's suddenly a baby born on my living room floor. It was absolutely perfect and a story I will always enjoy telling for the rest of my life. And of course, meeting my adorable little man was a joy.

One sleep deprived month later, we welcomed another addition to our family...Diva Girl began attending BCA. I cannot tell you what a blessing BCA has been to us. After the devistation of a diagnosis of Childhood Disintegrative Disorder, we finally saw hope again. We needed help desparately, and up to that point all we could see was regression. But then we met this amazing team and they loved on us as a family and challenged Diva Girl...and we see Diva Girl coming back to us. She can communicate with us now and we've discovered ways to help her deal with the world around her. I've met other moms who understand what I'm going through, and now can't imagine my life without these ladies. They are my compatriots in the trenches with me, fighting the same battle I am and inspiring me all the way. I could go on and on about how beneficial BCA has been! Diva Girl's time there has been possible only through the love and donations of others.

Time moved on quickly, and the next thing I knew...my amazing, wise, and wonderful husband graduated from Trevecca Nazarene University. I think my heart nearly burst with pride that day. He worked long and hard for that degree, and overcame many obstacles. He is an inspiration to me! And of course, his walk across the stage led to the next major life event...

In the fall, I picked up the books again and became a full time college student. I have many days when I wonder why I'm doing it. But the answer is always clear: for my kids. In fact, I am getting my degree in Special Education. I have one semester under my belt now and feel rather confident that I will somehow make it through (and I have high hopes to graduate with honors!) Even contemplating getting a Master's, but of course I need to take it one step at a time.

So that about sums up life for the past year. Leaving out a bunch of little everyday miracles of life, of course. I hope this new year is filled with new adventures and the same old joys of parenthood. My resolution for 2011: Enjoy time with my kids more. I think it's one resolution that I won't give up on within a week.

Christmas Recap

Ah, you'd thought I'd forgotten? Of course not! I have to hit upon some of the unforgettable moments of the 2010 Christmas Extravaganza.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...were the sounds of Diva Girl, fighting sleep. Ok, so it was technically already Christmas morning, but the hour was early enough to be considered night. Diva Girl, however, believes that morning is whenever she feels like it. She did eventually go back to sleep. The problem with that was that when she fell asleep she REALLY fell asleep. Leaving us waiting around until about 10am to open presents. SO glad Rascal was too little to be outraged about having to wait.

Present opening went fairly well. The presents themselves certainly went over wonderfully! In the end, Diva Girl was playing with Rascal's dump truck and wooden bear while Rascal played with her tea set. Ahhhh, sounds about right.

Then there was a blur of family and chaos and more present opening...and it was perfect. I am still pinching myself over how well Diva Girl did. With our encouragement she was able to communicate with us when she needed to, and she seemed to enjoy the day. She was happy. Rascal was happy. And you know, that makes Mommy and Daddy feel pretty joyous as well. I went to bed that night content, and THAT is nothing short of a Christmas miracle.

The most drama of Christmas day had nothing to do with the kids, actually. I had made my amazing cornbread casserole and my mom took it out of the oven...only to have the dish explode. No, really. There was a POP and shards of glass flew everywhere. Yes, this was the Christmas of my exploding casserole! I have a feeling we will be joking about that for years to come...especially the fact that my brother still wanted to salvage some of the cornbread.

Emmanuel. God with us. I think He was. In every word Diva Girl said, in the steps Rascal took, in the laughter of my family...He gave us these gifts. For the first Christmas in years, I had peace. What greater gift could I ask for?

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Tinker Bell....

In just one week I will probably be debating over my second slice of flan, watching some of my family play a game and laughing at some light trash talk, and listening to the kids get more and more wild as their bedtime comes and goes. Christmas perfection.

Christmas brings so many memories and hopes and expectations. Things I am currently freaked out about:
-Diva Girl plus chaotic present opening...didn't go as well as I'd hoped last year. Preparing her more this year and praying she will actually enjoy the experience.
-Rascal has two younger cousins and he likes to grab and bite. Nuff said.
-Nut allergies during the holidays are generally stressful. Just need to get through the next two weeks without a trip to the hospital.

Things I am currently extremely excited about:
-BCA is having a Christmas Party. How cute is Diva Girl going to be singing "Jingle Bells"?
-Rascal's first Christmas! Happy times!
-Time with my family. Girl time with my mom, seeing all the cousins together, eating home cooking until I pop.

Christmas can be a hard time of the year. So I'm trying to soak in the fun little things. Like Diva Girl singing "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....Tinker Bell!" Makes sense to me! And anticipating their tiny excited faces when they get their gifts. And telling them about baby Jesus and just knowing that one day they'll understand.

And you know what? This is the first Christmas since we got married that we've been able to afford to buy one another gifts. Can't wait to see my husband smile when he opens up his present!

Not the most profound holiday blog post, but these days I'd rather be happy than profound :)

Tis the Season

Ugh.
I should be writing a paper right now. Or preparing for a huge presentation that I have tomorrow. Or cleaning the kitchen.

I am paralyzed by responsibility.

I seem to be dropping all of the balls that I should be juggling. Beyond the schoolwork, I am just generally failing at life. My relationships are suffering, my patience is non-existent, and I can't seem to get all of my clean laundry put away despite my best (ok, halfhearted) efforts.

I am in such a funk, they should call me The Funk Master.

My dear husband should be promoted to sainthood for putting up with me lately.

My kids deserve a pony for having to eat so much fast food and deal with crazy mommy.

Tell me this is worth it!

My Loves

I find myself feeling quite in love this evening.

Had a pretty good day, and I'm just feeling grateful. Grateful for a husband who loves me and adores me (which I still find myself being surprised by...I mean, really...me?) Grateful for a daughter who is funny and gorgeous and opinionated. Grateful for a son who is delightful and loving and giggly.

I complain far too much considering all that I have to be grateful for.

We've got love, the rest is just details.

The many faces of progress

Alright folks, it's time for some honesty.

Unless you just haven't read anything I've written or haven't talked to me in weeks then you know that there has been some major Progress round here lately. There is a little girl that I have the priveledge of raising that has been ROCKING everyone's world. She is talking and interacting and just so very present in a way that she hasn't been in a long time.

But there is almost always a price for Progress.

First, I have to make an admission. There are certain things that I've held onto about that time before Diva Girl regressed. I have always held a certain amount of pride over anything that is not considered an autistic trait. For example, the fact that she is extremely affectionate is a great joy to me and something that I don't take for granted. But the thing that I've been pretty proud of (as though it had anything to do with me, HA) is that she has never been the kind of kid that needed a schedule. We've always been able to do things spontanously, take her to plenty of places. I always thought "well, at least she's not one of those kids that melts down anytime we go off schedule!" Ahhh. Those were the days.

See, she is becoming one of "those kids". You know, the one that wants things the same, every day. The one that completely freaks out if you give her a response she isn't expecting or take her to a new place. The one that cries through a meal because mommy wasn't sitting in her usual spot at the table. The one that will throw herself screaming on the ground because we didn't button up her coat all the way like we're supposed to.

This change has not been fun. I've fought this for a while, trying desperately to cling to this idea that she is still pretty easygoing. I kept saying "I don't know why she does so well at BCA and is so angry at home!" "I don't know why she has these meltdowns!" "It's just a phase..."

Then one night it clicked. I climbed out of my hole of denial and took a good look at my daughter again. And what I realized is that there is a reason why things have changed. It's called Progress. Yep, it's all because of Progress, believe it or not. See, we were able to go anywhere and do anything because she just didn't care. Sure we could take her out to 4 different places in a row before...but she wasn't really there with us. She was humming, she was singing the Wonderpets theme, she was running back and forth. She cares now! She knows where mommy is supposed to sit and what she eats when we go out and who is with us. And that's a good thing, even if it does make life harder.

But it does make life harder for now. I'm still figuring out how to deal with this new aspect of Progress. How am I going to find time to take pictures of everything and everywhere, print them out, laminate them, and create schedules and social stories? And will that really help? I don't know. But I know we've got to do something to help her know what's coming next and help her deal with change.

I feel tired. And proud. Time to save up for an Ipad....

I didn't do it...

I'm half in disbelief that this progress is real, and the other half of me is praying that it sticks.

My beautiful, smart, amazing little girl is using words. To communicate. She is talking to me, people!! She is telling me "all done" and "you're welcome" and "I'm sorry". Foods are being requested regularly, it's no longer like pulling teeth to get her to tell me what she wants. The change has been gradual, in that it's something we've worked at for months now, but at the same time it seems like she has suddenly just begun to decide to use her words.

Every day her daily notes from BCA are filled with excitement over this new chattiness, and I feel like our "team" is just bursting with pride. This is the breakthrough we've been hoping for, waiting for.

So it came up today (it was bound to come up)...what did I do? What did we change?
The answer is complex and simple at the same. The simple answer is...nothing. no diet changes, no vitamins or supplements, nothing "unlocked" this speech for her. The complex answer is...everything. We changed our lives and work every day with the team at BCA to encourage speech. We've done our best to be consistent and struggled through some tough phases and just kept pushing her.

The truth is, both of those answers are hard for me. I want guarantees. I want to know that if I do A, I will get B. I want to be able to ask other mom's what worked for them, implement it, and see results. But it just doesn't work that way, autism is too tricky for all that predictability. Us moms are left to comparing notes and trying this thing and that thing until we run out of money, and evaluating every word and action in hopes to see results. Then when we do see a difference we wonder if it was the supplements or the therapy or just plain luck.

Personally, we've tried enough things to thoroughly confuse my family memembers. GFCF for months, and she still regressed. Tried a few supplements. Dairy free, swore we saw a difference, then rethought it again. In the name of therapy we've acquired a trampoline, weighted vest, medical brushes, and more. The conclusion that I've come to is that a lot of it just doesn't work for Diva Girl. What we're doing now seems to be doing her a world of good, and that's all I know.

It's unfair. I want to be able to "fix" something. I want to be able to tell other moms "this is what we did and it will work for you!" But our kids are all so different and they respond to their own individual things.

I know that the puzzle piece is a symbol of autism. I'm starting to feel like Diva Girl is a puzzle that came with too many pieces and no picture. I just have to keep trying different combinations, and pray it falls into place, knowing that the end result will be a beautiful picture.
I always have enjoyed a good puzzle.